Sapphire blue eyes
by chaoticOrganizer
Summary: Karkat's life has never been a sunshine story. He's all fed up with his own struggles and misery. That's when a sapphire eyed boy stumbles into his life and turn things upside down. / AU, Humanstuck. M-rated for future lovemaking
1. Chapter 1

Karkat slammed his door shut. As if his day wasn´t shitty enough already, he´d just been informed that he´d have a roommate. Second semester had started two weeks ago, but somehow this kid managed to get in _and_ get a dorm in one of the better buildings.

He looked at the paper he´d been handed. His future roommate had changed his mind in the last minute and chosen this university instead of another that was almost 80miles away.

"_John Egbert_" he scoffed. It better not be another of those hipster losers he´s been seeing around. He´d rather sleep on the street than share his living space with one of those cocky assholes. He crumpled the paper and let it dart trough the room as he threw himself on his bed, landing with a big thud. The clock was nearing midnight and he had to get up early for his classes tomorrow. With a sigh he dragged off his shirt and black jeans, threw them into the middle of the room and crept under the blanket wearing only boxers.

* * *

The alarm went off at 7am. With a grunt Karkat turned off the sharp screeching and dragged his blanket over his head. He stretched out his scrawny body on the hard mattress. The now yellow-ish tinted bruises spread across his body hurt as he moved himself out of his bed. It had been over three weeks since he left his former home, but not a single day passed without reminding him _why_ he left.

He closed his eyes as he sat on the edge of the bed, stroking a bigger bruise on his left arm. The memory from the day he left was still crystal clear, as if it happened just hours ago.

It was a rainy Tuesday night, Karkat had stayed at Sollux´s place as usual, avoiding home as much as possible but was eventually forced to go home again. He´d tiptoe past the living room, hoping that his father had passed out on the sofa.

"Karkat?" a voice grunted from the said room. "Is that you?" the voice was getting sharper. He could hear bottles getting tipped and roll around on the hardwood flooring. "Fuckfuckfuckfuck" Karkat cursed in his head. Maybe he could still manage to get to his room? He was tired as hell and another fight with his shitty father was the last thing he wanted.  
He´d just got to his room´s door as a hand grabbed his collar, choking him as he was pulled backwards back to the living room.

And then hell started. He´d been through this a thousand times before, but it was just as awful every single time. His father´s hands all over him, beating the living hell out of him as he yelled what a worthless piece of shit he was, how he´d be better off dead and so on. Sometimes he got tired of beating him out only a couple of minutes later or Karkat passed out. Unluckily this was not one of those nights. He´d grabbed one of the empty bottles from the floor and started bashing Karkat´s head with it, causing him to bleed heavily.

Karkat´s sight was blurred and so was his mind, but somewhere between the hits everything cleared. He´d had enough, once and for all. At least twice a week for six years he´d been beaten black and blue by his alcoholic father. Enough was enough, suddenly he was filled with all the rage he´d been holding back against his father bubbled up at once. He fought back like an animal, biting, kicking and screaming. Eventually he´d overpowered his father and knocked him out. His whole body was shaking in shock. All the hatred and anger he´d bottled up for so many years had burst out of him, he´d never felt this strong before in his entire life. Without further hesitation he´d pack his belongings into two big sport bags and left his stinking, bleeding father passed out in the middle of the floor.

The following weeks were tumultuous. He´d shown up at Sollux´s front door at 2am, scaring his mother almost to death with his black eye and bloody head. She´d rushed him to the hospital where they´d stitched him up. Karkat had been friends with Sollux since third grade and his father´s beating and drinking habits were no news to the Captors. They had tried to make Karkat a report against his father many times before, but he never dared to, not even now.

He stayed at the Captors home where he was taken well care of. His father had tried to break in one night while he was drunk and ended up being driven away by the police. When school started again one week later he´d collected the rest of his belongings, such as his dvd collection of romcoms, and signed the papers for a dorm at the school. He´d been handed a double room all for himself, much to his enjoyment. His school was almost an hour away from home, so living in a dorm close to school made many things easier. Hopefully he wouldn't have to meet his father this way. But there was one thing that made him worry quite a lot; he had to get a job as soon as possible since the dorm and food wouldn't pay itself. He´d tried to get at least a temporary job over the summer, but without success. All the places took in more experienced persons, or people they knew through various contacts – cousins, friend's kids, grandchildren and so on.

He snapped back to reality, the clock was 7.30 already. Wearing the same clothes as yesterday he took a last look in the mirror. His uncombed, black hair was in desperate need for a cut and there were deep bags under his eyes from many restless nights.

He headed to the door with a sigh and dragged this gray hood over his head. There was a crunching sound under his foot. A crumpled paper ball reminded him that his future roommate would move in today.

Karkat swung his backpack over his shoulder and carelessly flung open the door, almost hitting a guy who´d been standing in front of it. The said guy let out a small scream, muffled by his hands. Sapphire blue eyes were staring at Karkat in a mix of chock and surprise.

Karkat felt his heart drop to his stomach. It took him only a second to register the guy in front of him. And holy shit, this guy was adorable in every single possible way.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you guys so much for following, adding to favorites and reviewing! *bows deeply***

* * *

John was staring blankly out of the car window. The landscape had changed from meadows and forests to concrete buildings. His father was drumming on the steering wheel to the beat of the jazz music next to him. They had been driving for two hours, not saying much more than commenting the news guy´s accent.

"We´re almost there, son. Only a couple of miles left."

John didn´t reply. Neither of them were happy about the decision, it was the last resort. He´d been going to the nearby college for almost a year before the change. There were no problems with the school itself, in fact John loved it. It was an old stone building placed nearby a park. The teachers were always nice to him and he´d always have good grades. Everything could have been perfect if it wasn´t for his peers. John had always been the very humble, kind and shy guy. He preferred to stay indoors and play with the girls instead of running around in the dirt in kindergarten. He never minded when his classmates called him "gay" and "faggot" during middle school. Not even when the harassments increased to physical insults could bring him down. But an incident during his freshman year at college had changed turned his world upside down.

John had just left a big party. He´d been having a blast even though he´d gotten puked on by some drunk kid. A group of giggling girls were heading towards him when suddenly a guy showed up from nowhere. In the matter of seconds John had been pushed up against a wall and the said guy was shoving his tongue in his mouth. The girls were screaming and shouting taunts. John desperately tried to push away his harasser. He could hear more people get around them. When he finally got out of his grip he ran straight home, words still echoing in his head, thinking this would all be over by Monday.

But he was wrong. Oh god he was wrong. There had been a maximum of then people around who saw the attack, but somehow every single person at his school seemed to know about it know. Eyes were staring at him at the hallways, some people shouted things like "You disgusting freak!" others threw pens and rubbers at him.

The harassments continued for weeks. There wasn´t a single day when he wasn´t attacked physically or vocally in school. He´d come home with broken glasses, blackened bruises, food in his hair and notes attached to his back. But the hell didn´t stop when he came home. People would send him hate letters and sometimes even drive by his house at night to scream and throw stones at the windows.

John often wondered if it had been set up. That his attacker wasn´t just some random drunk guy, but someone who´s intention was to make him look like a homosexual and thereby ruin his life.

His grades were dropping drastically and he stopped going to school completely after a while. Eventually the bullying was unbearable. John´s usual optimistic and jolly character was gone and he did nothing but sleep all day long. Sometimes his dad tried to reach out to him by leaving small notes, telling him how much he loved him. Nothing seemed to help anymore and that's when his father decided to move his son from that school. John would be transferred to another college far away from his current where he could continue his studies. His father couldn't move with him because of his job, so John would move to a dorm at the school.

That´s where they were heading now – his new college. He looked down at a framed photograph in his lap. His mother smiled back at him with that big, warm smile from the picture. She´d passed away in a car accident almost three years ago now. She had left a great emptiness in John´s heart and he could really use some of her motherly love right now.

They parked in the front of the head building and headed for the reception to register John. The lady behind the desk was short and a bit pudgy, looking like a canary bird in her yellow dress. She welcomed them with a smile.

John didn´t care to listen to what she said. He was handed a bunch of papers with his schedule, a map over the school area and the rules. "...and that´s where your dorm is, number 233!" she smiled at him. John had totally missed out the first sentence and gave her a halfhearted smile when he retrieved the key.

His father was still chatting with the bird lady when John headed to his new home. Walking down a long hallway he almost bumped in to a tall, beefy guy with long dirt-blonde hair.

"Oh my gosh! I´m so sorry!" a girly voice apologized. John didn´t see her first, there was a petite girl clinging to the guy´s arm. She wore a blue hat with cat ears on.

"No problem, it was my fault, really!" John replied. The cat girl giggled and reached out her hand.

"Nepeta Leijon!" she chirped. "And this is Equius! Sorry for bumping into you like that!" Equius looked down at Nepeta who gave him a meaning look and then back at John.

"Uh. Sorry." John couldn´t see his eyes behind the crackled sunglasses, but he could feel an intimidating look on him.

They kept chatting for a little while. Actually it was mostly Nepeta talking. She helped him with finding his dorm and the cafeteria on the map before they had to head back to their classes.

A couple of minutes later John stood in front of a door with the numbers 233 on. According to the map and Nepeta´s description, this should be it.

Now what? Should he knock? Or just walk right in? It was his room too after all. What if his roommate was still sleeping? It is 7.45am after all… they had come early so that he could start going to his classes as soon as he arrived. He kept arguing with himself as the door flung open in front of him.

He let out an embarrassing shriek but quickly flung his hand over his mouth, muffling the sound.

The guy in front of him was just as shocked. They both stared silently at each other for a couple a seconds before the bed headed guy in front of him started yelling at him.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? I COULD HAVE SMASHED YOUR FACE! MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE! MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE SMACKED THE DOOR RIGHT AT YOUR GOOFY FACE, YOU´D LIKE THAT, HUH?!"

John couldn't get a word out and the guy kept shouting and shouting. The black-haired guy´s face was getting crimson red when he suddenly got tackled down by a tall figure.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeey brother! Calm the motherfuck down!" he chuckled. The shorter guy was struggling underneath him and shouted angry curses. He finally managed to shove the tall tackler off him and stand up.

"WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT GAMZEE?!" he breathed.

"That´s not how you welcome your motherfucking roommate" he grinned, nodding at John who stood stiff as a stick, staring at the two guys.

The shouty guy´s eyes widened even more, staring straight at John again.

"My WHAT?! Is HE my roommate?!" the Gamzee named guy was already on his way down the hall. "How the FUCK did YOU know that?! HEY FUCKASS, I`M TALKING TO YOU!"

Gamzee just kept walking, taking out a small horn from the pocket of his baggy pants and honked it as he rounded the corner.

"Fucking clown!" he murmured to himself as he looked back at John again.

The awkward silence between them was back. John scratched his head and looked down at his feet.

"So, uh..yeah." he stared nervously "I guess…we´re roommates?" the shouty guy was still staring at him as he looked up again.

"Fuck, umm. Sorry. Egbert, am I right?" He talked in a normal tone now, almost sounding regretful.

John nodded silently.

"Karkat Vantas. Hey, umm, I have to go to my class now, you can bring in your stuff meanwhile. The lower bed is mine." He quickly walked past John, his face turning even redder as he accidentally bumped into his arm.

"Gosh, this was so awkward" John thought to himself as he stepped in to the room. It was tidy except for some clothes and books that lay scattered around the floor. Also, it was very dark. He almost stumbled over a pile of books as he tried to get through to the window that was covered by thick, navy curtains. The sudden movement stirred up some dust, making it dance in the morning sunlight.

He turned around and took a better look at the room. It was a bit messier than it looked like at first. There was a simple bunk bed and a desk to the right and another desk, some half-empty bookshelves and two slim closets next to each other in the left part of the room. The walls were painted in a light blue color and the floor was covered by a dark carpet.

"So this is it, huh? A fresh start." He thought as he walked over to the bookshelves. Except for the shou- _Karkat_ nobody had said a single mean word to him yet. He examined the shelves. There were lots of movies neatly stapled next to each other. On a closer look all of them seemed to be more or less romantic comedies. Could they really be Karkat´s? He didn´t seem like a softie at all. John shrugged. Maybe they could have a movie night together? He was a big fan of movies himself, especially those with his favorite actor Nic Cage in.

He continued his exploration trough the room. The desk next to the bookshelves seemed less occupied so he moved over the few things to the one next to the bunker. There was a knock on the door and John hurried over to open.

He´d completely forgot about his dad who was now standing there with some of his boxes. They brought in the rest of his belongings from the car and exchanged some words before he left. He´d also given John a long hug and reassured that he could call anytime before leaving. It´s not that John hadn´t been away from his father for a longer time, but the farewell still made him feel a bit down.

It was still an hour left until he had to go to class, so he decided to start unpacking his stuff. He filled another shelve with his own movies, embedded the top bed in the bunker with his favorite sheets. They were a bit childish, he admitted, with slime-green ghosts on, but he couldn´t help but love it. He threw a blanket over it, just to make sure his roommate wouldn´t make fun of him.

* * *

Karkat pounded his head on his desk. He didn´t listen to a word his teacher babbled, he could only think of John and how stupid he must have looked. He was so startled when he opened his door and –bam- that cute fuckass stood there. Karkat closed his eyes and leaned back on his chair. Why couldn´t he just act like a normal person? "Welcome, John! Come in, I hope we will be great roomates!" Apparently that was too hard for an idiot like him. Instead he´d been yelling at that poor guy and if it wasn´t for his pothead friend he would have continued all morning.

He let his mind wander, trying to recreate the picture of John. He´d looked like anything but one of those hipster dickheads. Dark brown hair, tanned skin, thick-rimmed glasses. And those beautiful, blue eyes. They had been staring at him the whole time, making his stomach turn. His overall appearance was bit goofy, but somehow also very attractive. Wait, what was he thinking? Attractive?

He kept scolding himself mentally for the rest of the day, both for yelling at John and for letting his mind wander off like that. He hoped he could make a better impression on him when they met again at the dorm, but the chances were high he had already ruined everything. Fuck, he hated himself so much.

* * *

**So far, so good? **


	3. Chapter 3

**Gaaah, sorry for keeping you waiting, I have been so buisy lately! (I was at NärCon last week, woop woop). Soooo, I´m trying to make the chapters a little longer now :3 **

**Last but not least**

**Thank you for all the nice comments! They mean a lot to me and are the reason I keep writing this fanfic! 3**

* * *

The clock was almost nine when Karkat´s thoughts were interrupted by a small knock on the worn wooden door. Karkat was huddled up on his bed with his laptop, trying to write his history essay.

"Can I come in?" said a hesitant voice from the other side of the door. Right, John.

"Why the fuck do you ask if you can come in to your own damn dorm?"

The door opened and Karkat watched John silently step in to the room.

"Sorry, I didn´t know if I was intruding or so…" he started as he carefully closed the door behind him.

"As I said, it´s your fucking dorm too. No need to make such a fucking fuss about it" John´s little, nervous smile vanished from his face and Karkat immediately regretted his harsh words. He cleared his voice and made an attempt to make the mood between the two of them a little bit better.

"Umm… so how was your day?"

John´s face lit up a little. He put down his navy blue backpack next to his chair before he replied.

"It was pretty good actually! I met a really nice girl, Jade and her friend Dave. And his girlfriend – I think she was called Rezi or so. He seemed cold at first but turns out he´s very nice! Jade showed me around a little bit, we also met Nepeta and Equius again! "

He kept on telling about his newfound friends, his teachers and how nice they were, the old school-buildings and soon a big smile had grown on his face. His slight overbite was showing and he waved his hands in excitement as he talked. There was a spark in his eyes, something Karkat had been missing for years.

Karkat was captivated by the joy that now was radiating from the boy in front of him. The way he talked, how he moved and the small chuckles he let out every now and then – he felt caught, like a moth drawn to a streetlamp.

"How can you be this happy?" Karkat interrupted without even thinking, it just flew out of him. He couldn´t understand how someone could be this happy and he envied it. Why did everyone but him seem so fucking happy about their lives? He carelessly started spitting out the words as if they were poison.

"It´s just a fucking school, cut it out already! Why did you come here in the first place, huh? You´re a big bag of rainbows and sunshine, you could have fit in any- fucking -where without problem. Wasn´t your school good enough for you? Boo-hoo, mommy´s little princess needs to be more spoiled!"

John´s smile had vanished just as quickly it had come. He looked at the floor, tried to swallow the tears that had started run down his flushed cheeks. Karkat continued spitting out insults, they didn´t even make sense to him anymore.

"Stop it."

Karkat didn´t seem to hear him and he kept rambling.

"I said stop it." John´s hands were clutched into fists now and his voice was getting higher. Karkat went silent and watched John in surprise. Still sniffling, John looked straight up at him with a darkness in his eyes.

"I won´t take any of your bullshit! I´m so damn tired of it! My mom is _dead, _okay? It was my dad who transferred me to this school. And you know why? Because I was bullied! Not the kind where you get a few insults every now and then, no it was hell! And I´m happy, really god-damn happy because except you no-one has been mean to me through the _whole day_!" tears were pouring down his face once again and his voice started to crackle.

Karkat swallowed and looked down at his feet. He´d messed up again and there was no-one else to blame but himself and his fucking jealousy.

"Sorry…" he mumbled, still looking down at the dark rug. John stopped snuffling and was surprised over the sudden defeat from Karkat.

Almost not hearable Karkat continued;

"…I just…envy you. I wish I could be as happy as you…I´m sorry. I´m going to bed, goodnight." Without saying anything more he crept down under his blanket facing the wall, not caring that he was still fully dressed.

The whole event was so confusing for John. He´d never met a bully who felt ashamed for being mean to him, nor any who listened to him when he asked them to stop. He kept staring at Karkat´s back, waiting for a comeback. But there was nothing, not a single word. John shifted on the chair, trying to find a comfortable position in this very uncomfortable situation.

"Seriously?" he started with an annoyed sigh "Are you just gonna sulk there like a child for the rest of the night? You know, we´ll have to live with each other for at least another year and it won´t work out unless we sort things out." He´d walked across the room and was now standing in front of the bed with his arms crossed over his chest. It took a little while before Karkat finally replied.

"_Fine."_ He rolled over and sat up on the edge of his bed again, looking impatiently at John.

"Why are you so grumpy now anyway? You can´t seriously blame me for making you snap like that!" John started.

"Actually, I can. I had a shitty day" Karkat replied. John ignored the first sentence and continued, looking down at Karkat who was pouting.

"Really? It seems like every day is shitty for you." His voice was getting milder, seeing an almost grown up man mope like that was quite a hilarious sight.

"That's the disadvantage of being me."

John was now trying to hide the smirk on his lips while continuing

"What more disadvantages are there?"

"Well, you know – being a huge douchebag, fucking up every possible friendship. And lactose intolerance." Barely visible, the corners of his mouth were going up a bit. He hated to admit it, but John´s goofy way of speaking made him cheer up.

John let out a small chuckle as he put down his arms

"Good to know. Then I´ll make sure to put milk in the cake next time I bake!" Karkat opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by an excited John

"Actually, I´m gonna bake now! There will be no more putting after you´ve had some of my cake. You know, my dad is the _king_ of baking and has taught me a thing or two!"

Karkat hit his head on the upper bed as he flew out of his own to stop John who was on his way to the door. He fell right back to his mattress and rubbed his scalp. John was laughing uncontrollably and Karkat started yelling again.

"You´re not going to fucking _bake _for me, fuckass!"

"You bet I´m gonna! And I´ll force you to eat them, you owe me that!"

"It´s 10PM, you´re gonna wake up the whole damn building you stupid!"

John hesitated and furrowed his brows. He looked around the room and darted over to the bookshelves after a little while.

"Then we´re gonna watch a movie! Con Air it is" he announced cheerfully as he picked out a DVD from his own collection. Picking up his laptop in the same sweep he walked back to the bunker and looked down menacingly at Karkat.

"What are you waiting for? Move over, I´m not gonna stand and watch it!"

"No fucking way, you´re not –_ungh_!" John quickly pushed him closer to the wall before he could say anymore and placed himself next to him. He stretched out on his stomach and put the laptop in front of the both of them. Karkat continued cursing while John took out the disc of its case and put it in his laptop.

"You really think I´m gonna fucking wat-_hmmmpf_!" once again he was silenced, this time by John´s hand flung over his mouth.

"Shut up! The movie is starting!"

Karkat rolled his eyes and sighed as he removed John´s hand.

"Okay, okay! Calm your tits!"

The move watching continued in this pattern; Karkat cursing and complaining over how shitty and worthless the movie is, only to be silenced by John who was completely engrossed in the movie. Eventually Karkat got tired and fell asleep two-thirds trough. John had only noticed it when he started snoring when the credits rolled in. He yawned and rolled over to his side. It had gotten dark in the room but there was still enough light to make him able to see the snoozing boy next to him. Even though his hands were clutched he looked peaceful. A lock of dark hair was hanging down his face and a sudden impulse stroke John.

He reached out his hand, slowly and hesitating, and brushed the hair aside so that his face would show. Karkat let out a heavy breath and relaxed his hands, like he was comforted by the touch. John stayed like this, just watching him sleep for a long while. After a while Karkat started murmuring in his sleep and clutched his hands again. His mouth turned into a strained line and he furrowed his brows. His whole body was tense, almost like he was going to fight in his dream.

Without even thinking John reached out and pulled Karkat in to a tight hug, hoping that it could make the nightmare go away. He was trembling and fighting a bit against John, but something inside John made him cling to the scared boy. He tilted both of them a little so he could hug him with both of his arms. Karkat gripped his shirt and mumbled something not understandable. John held him tightly and placed his chin on his messy head. Karkat continued shifting in his grip and eventually they both fell asleep in each other's arms, breathing slowly and peacefully.

* * *

The first thing that came to Karkat´s mind when he woke up was that he hadn´t slept this good for months. Eyes still closed, he was just lying there and enjoyed the morning and the positive effects of a good night´s sleep. Nightmares usually ruined his sleep and thinking of it he had one tonight too, but it was very short compared to the others. It had only begun before it thankfully vanished again. He stretched out and pulled the warm blanket up all the way to his nose with one arm, hoping he could lie in for a long time. Suddenly, he felt his bed moving underneath his body. Also, there was something holding him down by his waist.

He opened his eyes quickly and he was ready to defend himself against whatever was invading his bed – only to feel someone nuzzle up to his chest. He didn´t even dare to breathe; it was John, all cuddled up and holding him tightly. Karkat´s sudden movements made him groan and slowly wake up. He looked up at Karkat with half-closed eyes and a drowsy smile. Karkat could feel his face getting hotter and he opened his mouth – no, he would not ruin this by starting to yell at him again. He cleared his throat and let out the breath he was unconsciously holding.

"…good morning." Not really knowing what to do, he rested his hand on John´s shoulder. John continued smiling as he replied, still a bit drowsy;

"Morning Karkat" he stretched his somewhat skinny legs but kept holding Karkat by his waist. Karkat swallowed, this whole situation was making him very nervous, but at the same time he enjoyed every single second of it. Maybe, but just maybe, luck was on his side for once. There was a moment of silence before John asked what time it was. Karkat had to reach over John´s shoulder, causing them to get even closer to each other. But soon there was no more time for morning talk and cuddles, they both had overslept and were now very late for class. The boys got tangled in the blanket and each other as they hurried out of bed, causing both of them turn red up to their ears. In a matter of minutes they were on their way out. Luckily they had the same class – math – and could run down the hallway together; Karkat swearing and John repeatedly telling him to shut up and hurry up instead.

Except for being scolded by their irritated teacher for coming late the lesson went good. Karkat caught himself gazing at John who was sitting in the front row several times and prayed to the gods no-one noticed him. When the lesson ended it was already time for lunch and they made their way to the cafeteria together.

"So, what are your plans for today? Except for school." John started while they were walking down the corridor. Karkat wasn´t used to chitchat with people and was surprised over John´s question. He usually hung out with Gamzee, who did the most of the talking. John continued since Karkat couldn´t come up with an answer quickly enough.

"You could come and hang with us tonight if you want to. We´ll probably just hang out at the mall, but it seems like fun!" he cheered

"Who are "we"?" Karkat replied grumpy, without taking his sight off the floor. They stopped and stepped in to the queue in front of the cafeteria. It would take a little while to get through; there were a lot of hungry students in the queue.

"Jade, Dave, Nepeta and her friend and maybe some more. And me, of course!"

"Dunno. I may hang out with Sol or Gamzee. But that fuckass is always hanging with his boytoy Tavros nowadays. "

"You could bring them too, I´m sure they wouldn´t mind at all!" John chirped. The queue had moved along and they were getting close to their long awaited meal.

Karkat never really hung out with other people than Sollux and Gamzee in his free time. He met some new faces when he was still dating Dave, but quickly let go of them when they had broken up a couple of months ago. He was going to turn John´s offer down but hesitated for moment. Sure, he didn´t like hanging out with larger groups, but this would mean he could be with John and get to know him better. He stared a little more at the menu before replying with a sigh.

"Okay, why the fuck not."

"Great!" John chuckled "I´ll pick you up at our dorm at five and then we can walk together to Jade´s place, she has promised to drive us down to the mall!"

John´s happiness warmed Karkat. Once again he thought that maybe the gods had decided to be nice to him for once.


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry it took so long again, this chapter was such a pain in the ass (and I hate it, so sorry) ;A; **

**However, I have another 7 chapters planned! I´ll start school again next week, but I´ll try to write as much/as fast as possible!**

* * *

Karkat stretched his legs while waiting for the others to get out of the car. They had somehow managed to squeeze in six people into Jade´s small car and were now trying to get out of it. It must had looked funny; more and more people climbing out if the dark-green Golf, like clowns getting out of a ridiculously small vehicle at a circus. Karkat sat squeezed close to the door next to Equius who had Nepeta in his lap. Next to them was Kanaya. She wasn´t planning to go with them in the first place, but she needed to buy some more fabric for herself and yarn for Rose so Jade decided there was place for one more. Kanaya had been sitting silent all the way and Equius had been giving Karkat intimidating glares every time he accidentally came too close to him and Nepeta.

So here they were, in the middle of the parking lot in front of the mall. Sollux had turned down the offer, claiming he had something to do while he was fidgeting nervously at his phone. Karkat had since long suspected he was seeing someone in secret, but didn´t mind to dig in deeper. It wasn´t really his business and who knows what is going on in that nerd´s head?

Gamzee on the other hand had gladly accepted the invitation. He and Tavros would show up a bit later at the mall, it would take them a little longer because of Tavros´ wheelchair.

Jade locked the car when everyone was finally out and walked away while talking with John. Karkat still doubted his decision to come with them, it better be worth it.

"Come on, Karkitty! You´re lagging behind!" Nepeta chirped. She quickly ran back to Karkat and grabbed his arm, trying to make him hurry up and join the rest of the group. Karkat had hung out with her a few times before. If it wasn´t for her over-protective friend they could actually have been quite close friends. She was one of the few persons he felt comfortable around and her positive attitude easily spread to him. He made a mental note to chat with her more often; he needed more persons like her in his solemn life.

The mall was rather large with a glass-covered roof and two well-filled floors. They were now heading towards the fountain near a café to meet up with the rest of the group. Dave and Terezi were already waiting for them and Gamzee soon joined them together with Tavros. The two of them were all lovey-dovey; Gamzee kept insisting on pushing his wheelchair and every now and then they lagged behind because they were kissing or Gamzee was reassuring that his boyfriend was okay. Luckily, Dave and his girlfriend weren´t so clingy. They held hands and kissed a few times when the others looked away, but it was still enough to make Karkat feel sick. Instead he tried to focus on John.

John was darting from one store to another with Jade, they seemed to find something interesting in every shop-window.

"John, could you fucking calm down? You run around like a fucking beheaded chicken!"

John stopped and waited for Karkat to catch up with him.

"Okay, okay, sorry!" He hooked his arm together with Karkat´s who felt a bolt of electricity shoot through him. John was looking straight at him with his big blue eyes and tilted his head playfully as he talked.

"Where do you want to go, little miss sunshine?"

"Can´t we just take a break? I´m fucking tired from racing through these shitty stores all day. We haven´t even found anything to buy, so I don´t see why we are still looking."

John scratched his head as he was trying to come up with a good idea. They were not hungry since they ate before leaving the dorm and the most of the cafés were too expensive.

"How about ice-cream? Oh no right, that won´t work out so well for you.." John furrowed his brows and tried to come up with something better.

"Wait, you actually remembered that?" Karkat was surprised. People never remembered such details about him. He was looking at John, confused but also a bit happy about the fact that he´d noted that he can´t eat diary-products.

"Yeah, I did." He replied, as if it was a matter of course. "How about crêpes then? Ever tried one?"

Ten minutes later they were sitting at a bench, munching at some freshly made crêpes. Karkat had never eaten such fancy stuff, but hell it was delicious. He´d chosen one with loads of chocolate in it and was devouring it greedily.

"Not so bad, huh?" John asked between the bites.

"Fucking delicious!"

When he looked up John was smiling at him.

"What?" Karkat snarled. Feeling John´s eyes on him made him nervous.

"Nothing. Glad you like it." He smiled. There was a big blob of jam on his cheek that made him look extra goofy. Karkat rolled his eyes before he talked.

"You have jam all over your face, fuckass."

Clearly this made John embarrassed. He fumbled as he tried to grip one of the napkins from the metallic box on the table and a slight blush was showing.

Karkat saw his struggle and swiftly grabbed a napkin. He put down his own food and reached over the table to wipe off the jam from his face.

"Hold still"

John froze and held his breath as Karkat grabbed his chin. The jam was removed quickly but Karkat kept holding his face. They were looking right at each other and his mind was getting dizzy again. He was like some kind of drug to him. Every time they touched his body got filled with heat and some kind of electricity that made him feel all dizzy.

"Oh my gooooooooooooood! I ship iiiiiiiiiit!" a high-pitched voice interrupted them. Karkat quickly retreated to his seat and John let out a sigh. Nepeta skipped over to them with both arms in the air.

"Ohmygosh I ship you sooo much now, it´s so perfect! I have to add this in my book, you might even become one of my otp-s!" she continued in excitement. She started digging in one of the pockets on her oversized military-jacket.

John looked over at Karkat with a confused look. Neither of them understood what she was ranting about and Karkat just shrugged in reply.

Equius arrived only seconds after Nepeta and soon the rest of the group joined them at the table. Some ordered crêpes, other just sat and talked. Time flew and soon it was seven pm already. Slowly but surely the group was getting smaller; Nepeta and Equius had left earlier because she had to feed the animals at the shelter she worked at. The now smaller and more silent group was wandering through the almost empty mall. Eventually Gamzee and Tavros left the group too. Most if the stores were closing and soon everyone who was left agreed that it was time to go home again. They said a short goodbye to Dave and Terezi and made their way back to the car.

The ride was quiet without Nepeta who usually talked non-stop. Kanaya had ridden the bus back home as soon as she had got what she needed. Now Jade´s car was only half as full as when they came. John, who sat at the front seat next to Jade earlier, was now sitting next to Karkat in the backseat.

Jade was trying to find a good channel on the radio and both males were staring blankly out of the windows. The silence was broken by a beep from Karkat´s phone. He unlocked it with a swift move. The inbox was now reading five unread messages, all from the same sender. Karkat had tried to ignore them, or more importantly – the person who had sent them. With a frustrated sigh he opened the first one. The writing was still almost always correct, indicating that the writer was still somewhat sober when he´d written it.

The first one was sorry and excusing. He claimed he´d changed and would never hurt him again. The second was a bit harsher, claiming Karkat was a liar who spread such rumors about him. The following were just getting worse, not only the spelling but also the content. Karkat´s heart sank to his stomach; the last thing he wanted was to be reminded of his father. His threats also reminded him of how his days used to be for not so long ago.

He deleted all messages and looked out of the window again. The main reason he´d gone to the mall was to hang out with John, but he also had to look for a job. He had looked for what felt like the whole city for a job and he was getting more and more desperate. The small amount of savings was almost gone and he needed to get his hands on some more if he wanted to keep on living at the school. The thought of moving back home made him shiver and feel uneasy. He pulled the hood over his head and glanced over at John´s seat. He too was gazing out of the window with a small smile on his lips. The sight made Karkat soften a bit, he let his eyes wander all over him – his hair was a bit messy after today´s adventure and his thick-rimmed glasses had slid down a bit on his nose. He was wearing a blue, plaid shirt and navy jeans; it was simple but he looked good in it. Really good, in fact.

The car slowed down turned in to the campus´ parking. Karkat´s eyes met Jade´s for a moment in the rearview mirror and she gave him a deceptive look. How long had she been looking at him in the mirror?

She gave Karkat a sour look before leaving the boys, claiming she had to do some things before going back to the dorm. Karkat and John had been walking back to their place in silence when John suddenly started snickering.

"What?"

"Heheh, nothing important" he replied as they kept on walking past the school buildings.

"Oh come on you´re giggling like a fucking schoolgirl, what is it?" Karkat was getting irritated but also nervous that he´d somehow made a fool of himself. His heartbeat was going up as John started talking again after a little pause.

"It´s just that you are really not that mean, tough guy I imagined you as when we first met. Sure, you started yelling at me and stuff, twice actually, but you are quite a softie! ". He was looking at Karkat with a playful smile.

"I am NOT a fucking SOFTIE! Wanna make me prove it, huh?!" They had stopped on the middle of the street and Karkat was bouncing up and down, clearly bothered by John´s statement.

"Oh come ON, romcoms?" he laughed

"There is nothing wrong with my choice of movies, they are fucking great unlike your crap, fuckass!" his face was turning red and he prayed the night´s darkness would conceal his embarrassment.

"And you are a softie!" John continued to tease

"I am fucking not!"

"Yes you are!"

"I am NOT!"

They had continued to wrangle and play-fight all the way back to the dorm. After some more buffing and teasing Karkat had given up by shouting "FINE!" and leave John behind. It was Karkat´s turn to burst out in laughter when John had taken out a big teddybear to sleep with.

"And you´re calling ME a softie?" he breathed while taking a pause from laughing.

"Hey, at least I don´t deny it!"

* * *

The following weeks had continued like this – small trips with the same group of friends to various places in the city, arguing about nonsense and get into play fights on a daily basis. Some nights they got more serious, talking until the sun rose. They got to know each other quite well after a couple of weeks. One night when they had nothing to do John told his story, from the beginning to the day he moved in to the dorm. He´d been afraid that Karkat would criticize him, or ever worse: start to bully him. But he´d just sit there and patiently listen to him. When it had come to his turn he´d told him about his relationship to his father in broad terms, but refused to continue as John started asking about details.

Karkat had eventually stopped denying his feelings and accepted that he was undeniably head over heels for his roommate. He loved being around him and always felt a little lighter after their late-night conversations about everything and nothing. The question was: how would he confess to him? He´d never really had to do it before. When he got together with Dave it had been quite obvious and they didn´t need to confirm it verbally. But with John…he didn´t know. Sometimes they would be so close, like the first night they spent together. Other days John seemed so far away from him.


	5. Chapter 5

Karkat kicked the red and yellow leaves as he walked down the street. The days were getting colder and darker, forcing him to wear his shaggy jacket and red scarf he´d got from his cousin Kankri last Christmas. He wasn´t too fond of the color, but it was nice and warm on days like these. A chilly wind blew up and he tucked his hands in his pockets and buried his nose in the scarf.

Sollux had called earlier and asked if he´d come over to play some videogames and Karkat had gladly accepted the offer. He really enjoyed spending his time with John and his friends, but he missed his best friend. Not only would it be nice to meet him again, he also needed to talk, and Sollux was the one he trusted the most on earth. Gamzee was a very good friend too, but he´d either spill out Karkat´s secrets to anybody or be too stoned to focus on his words.

Mr. Captor was out raking leaves in the front yard when Karkat arrived. He hadn´t noticed his arrival and had let out a surprised, but happy, hello. The Captors were pretty much his second family, they were always so nice to him and he enjoyed spending his time at their home, even if it meant work. Every now and then they asked for his help, it could be cleaning, gardening and so on. But not today; both Sollux and Karkat had only one lesson today and they took the opportunity to have a lazy day together.

Sollux´s mom was talking on the phone when he stepped in. A quick gesture from her indicated that his friend was in his room upstairs. Karkat kicked off his sneakers and hurried up the stairs. As usual, Sollux sat in front of his computer.

"´Sup KK" he greeted as he turned away from his screen. He stood up and his back gave out a cracking sound as he stretched out.

"Long time no see, almost thought you´d forgotten about me" he continued while giving his friend a short, one-armed hug. Karkat grunted in reply. They positioned themselves on Sollux´s bed and Karkat grabbed a controller. Usually Karkat didn´t mind the silence between them, but he needed to get things off his chest. He noticed his friend was typing quickly on his phone on the other side of the bed.

"Hey, who are you texting again?"

Sollux quickly locked the screen and pushed his smartphone back in his pocket.

"None of your fucking business" he snapped back. Karkat was surprised by the sudden harshness in his voice. Sure, they used to tease and swear at each other, but always in a more playful, friendly way.

"None of my fucking business you say, huh? Well I wanna know who the fuck makes my bro this tense. Man, if I wouldn´t know any better I´d believe you were having some secret love-affair!" Karkat snapped back. He sure was annoyed by Sollux´s behavior. He had been watching his phone like a hawk for the past weeks and easily snapped when someone asked about it. Since he remained silent Karkat continued, he was determined not to stop until he´d get a proper answer.

"Is it some chick who´s bugging you again? AA, Fef? I thought you´d gotten over her."

Sollux used to date Fef a couple of months ago but they decided to stay just friends. It had worked out just fine until some weeks ago when a guy named Eridan came between them. Karkat didn´t know the details, but it had seemed like Eridan had been jealous of Sol and Fef´s friendship and the fact that they had been dating in the past. He and Sol would often get into fights, both verbal and physical and Sol wouldn´t stop complaining about him since then; Eridan this, Eridan that. Karkat would have to listen to hours of talking about him. According to Fef, Eridan was acting the same way the same way about Sol. He suddenly froze.

"Are you…?" He squinted and looked suspiciously at Sol as he spoke "Are you crushin´ on that Ampora guy?" Sollux´s face turned paper white.

"Hell fucking no! No way I´m gay for that dipshit! He´s a dickhead and the biggest loser on school!" he blurted as his face slowly turned crimson red.

"Holy fucking shit, you´re having the hots for him!" suddenly a pillow was tossed right in his face and Sollux flipped. He continued yelling and cursing, disclaiming Karkat´s statement at any cost. Karkat would laugh so hard he could barely breathe. It was so obvious that Sol liked that guy, it was ridiculous he even tried to deny it in front of his best pal.

"You are so fucking gay for him, Captor!" he laughed as he held his cramping stomach.

"You´re the one to speak, asshole! You´ve been swooning over your roommate since the first day you met!"

Karkat went silent and Sollux stopped himself from launching another pillow at him.

"…you still haven´t told him, have you?"

Karkat pulled in his knees under his chin and sighed.

"Nope."

"Why not? It´s so fucking obvious that you like eachother. I mean, just look at how he gazes at you; "Oh, Karkaaat, please take me in your big, strong arms!"" Sollux gestured with his arms as he spoke in a high-pitched voice, obviously to Karkat´s annoyance.

"Why don´t _you_ fucking confess to your love to hipster-fishface?!"

It was Sollux´s turn to go completely silent.

"It´s not that simple KK. I _do _like him, but at the same time I can´t stand him. It´s complicated." Sollux shook his head as if he tried to chase away his thoughts.

"Let´s focus on getting you together with Egbert! So exactly _why_ don´t you tell him that you love him with an undying, passionate fire of ten thousand gay suns?" he continued with a grin.

"God damn it Sol´, I swear I´ll fucking choke you when you sleep tonight!"

Sollux just laughed in reply, secretly glad they didn´t talk about his tangled love life anymore.

Eventually things got more serious and they talked for almost an hour how and when Karkat should tell John. It wouldn´t easy – Karkat was aware that the whole gay-thing was a sensitive topic for John since he´d gotten a lot of shit for that. He had never said he swung that way either, but Sollux reassured that John was most certainly acting in a more-than-friends-way towards Karkat.

It was already dark outside when Karkat said goodbye to the Captors. His mind was deep in thoughts all the way back home, not even noticing that he´d gotten ice cold when he finally arrived. John had welcomed him back with a smile, but Karkat was too busy sorting his thought out to let the said smile warm him up. He had let out a muffled hello before making his way to the bathroom. He didn´t dare to look at John, scared that he´d blurt out something really stupid as usual and ruining his chances with him for good. It wasn´t that late yet, but Karkat hurried to get in bed, claiming he was exhausted and probably caught a cold.

He continued tiptoeing around John for several days, avoiding conversations with him as much as possible. The sickness excuse would still work since he´d actually got a mild cold due to his lack of proper, warm clothes, but John was obviously suspicious. He had tried to confront Karkat several times, but it had only made him upset; he´d push him aside and curse as he hurried away, claiming he had something important to do.

Karkat knew this and that this behavior wouldn´t last for much long. He kept telling himself that "today is the day" but always found some stupid excuse to procrastinate it.

They were both occupied with their computers this late afternoon. John was sitting at his desk and Karkat was hunched on his bed with his laptop. It had been a dead silence between them for the past hour as usual. Karkat didn´t actually need his computer at the moment, but he needed an excuse to not talk. Suddenly, John let out a long sigh and spun his chair, now facing Karkat. He´d just look at him as he was searching for the right words before he spoke up.

"Karkat"

"Mmh." Karkat tried to look very concentrated at his screen.

"I know you´re not really busy and we have to talk. You have been acting _very_ strange for the past week and as your roommate I feel that I need to know what the heck is going on!"

Karkat felt his pulse starting to race. He slammed his laptop shut and hurried to the door, trying to escape.

"I need to go-" he couldn´t even finish the sentence before John was blocking his way, arms crossed and looking straight at him with a meaning look.

"No, not this time. You don´t have to go; you haven´t talked to anybody all afternoon and you don´t have any more classes today. I´m not stupid, so tell me why you are fleeing every single time I try to talk with you!"

Karkat bit his lower lip as he looked up shyly at John. His eyes were piercing him, demanding an answer. He inhaled deeply before meeting John´s eyes.

"Okay, umm, well…" he fumbled for words. He had this conversations a thousand times before in his head but he couldn´t make it work when it was the real deal. Karkat scratched his head and let his eyes wander all over the room in search of courage.

"Is it me? Have I upset you in some way?" John asked with a certain worry and sadness in his eyes.

"No, no, no! Not at all!" Karkat panicked even more now. The last thing he wanted was to make John upset right now. "Actually… it´s more of the opposite." He forced himself to look John in the eyes before continuing. John let himself relax a bit, but he still looked worried.

"I…How should I even start?" Karkat couldn´t help but feel a bit pathetic. He had seen hundreds of romantic movies, he should be the king of confessing his feelings but right now he just failed miserably. He took another deep breath and decided to just let go, it couldn´t get any worse than this anyway. At least he hoped.

"Well, the thing is, I like you. I really like you." He started, hoping his voice didn´t tremble too much. "I really enjoy being around you and the times I spend with you are probably the best in a very long fucking time. So I guess… I have a huge fucking crush on you Egbert." He finally confessed. He was probably scarlet red by now and he´d broken out in a sweat, but he thanked the gods for being able to form some proper sentences. There was a long silence before John replied.

"Oh wow, I wasn´t ready for that…" he mumbled, eyes locked on the floor. Karkat who had just calmed himself down a bit felt his heart staring to race again; this was certainly not starting off good. John looked utterly uncomfortable, stroking his arm and looking like he´d just been scolded.

"I…I don´t.." he swallowed hard as he looked up at Karkat. "I´m so sorry but I don´t…I don´t feel that way. I´m not, like, a homosexual." John was looking at him with such sad eyes and Karkat could feel how everything inside him broke. Like his heart was getting shredded into tiny pieces in the matter of seconds. He should have been angry and start screaming, but his words chocked halfway and he felt tears burning behind his eyes.

"But…I..you…." he trembled. "So you just treat all of your friends like that, huh?"

"Like what?" John looked confused.

"All sweet and stuff" Karkat could feel the anger starting to boil inside him. He was so mad at himself, John and everything else. He felt so stupid for believing that there was actually something between him and John and he was so angry at John for acting the way he did. Not to talk about how mad he was at his friends who had encouraged his romantic feelings towards his roommate. He angrily wiped off a tear and turned around and hurried over to his wardrobe. John watched him as he tucked down some clothes into a backpack together with his laptop and made his way back to the door. With one last look he shoved John aside and grabbed the doorknob.

"Karkat wait, I´m so sorry! Please don´t just run away now!" The last words were cut off by the door getting slammed shut.

Karkat rushed over the campus with tears running down his face yet again, ignoring the stares he got from the people he angrily shoved out of his way.

* * *

_"Well, the thing is, I like you. I really like you."_

The words echoed in John´s head. Karkat had pushed him aside and rushed out of the dorm before he could say any more. He sunk down on Karkat´s bed and buried his face in his hands. This couldn´t possibly have tuned out worse. He pushed his hand through his hair as he tried to clear his mind. He _did_ like Karkat, there was no doubt about that. But in what way? They always had so much fun together even though it was only small things like having a pizza downtown. They´d talk about pointless things and have their so called "fights" where Karkat would furiously curse as John laughed his ass off at him. But they also had deeper moments where they stayed up for hours and talked about their lives. John couldn´t deny it, he really liked those nights, and they usually ended up with the sharing Karkat´s bed since John was too lazy getting up. He let his mind wander off to those nights. It was so nice to cuddle up next to him an- Wait. No. No, no, no, no, no. He was _not _feeling that way for his roommate!

He hurried over the room to grab his phone from his desk. He needed to come clear with Karkat. He liked his as a friend, period! It had been a huge misunderstanding and he would have to apologize once more. He scrolled through his contacts and called Karkat´s phone. One tone after another rung without an answer. John sighed and hung up; he was probably too upset to even care about picking up. Instead he dialed the number of what he called his best friend. One tone, two tones. John was growing impatient.

"Yo Egbert" a cocky male voice greeted on the end of the other line.

"Finally! Listen, Karkat just told me he likes me, like _like _me. I told him that I do not feel the same for him and he just ran off! I need to tell him that I only like him as a _friend_, and that I don´t want this to ruing our friendsh-"

"You what?" Dave interrupted him

"…Yeah, I..what?" John paused.

"Oh god you´re so god-damn stupid Egbert. Like, if stupidity was measured on a scale on mouse to elephant you´d be a fucking whale."

"I am not st-!"

"Hold your horses smarty-pants, there is someone banging on the door"

Dave stood up from the sofa and made his way to the said door.

"All right, all right! You don´t have to break in the door, I´m on my way!"

He swiftly unlocked the door and swung it open. He lifted his phone to his ear one more time.

"I´ll call you back later bro, I got a pissed off gnome at the door."

In front of him stood Karkat, panting and with swollen, red eyed.

"Let me the fuck in Strider or I´ll walk over you like a fucking tank!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Yay, a new chapter! Thank you so much for all the nice comments and reviews, they mean a lot to me and make me wanna continue! TTATT This one took a bit longer, I´m trying improve things (aka everything), uguughguh _  
You can always contact me on tumblr on unisex-unicorns , don´t be shy!~**

So, well. I may add that I wrote the last things in the middle of the night and I´m so eager to post it, so ther emight be some small mistakes. But I´ll make sure to correct them asap~

* * *

"Let me the fuck in Strider or I´ll walk over you like a fucking tank!"

Dave was startled by his unexpected visitor. Karkat stared at him with a cocktail of feelings; he was feeling angry, depressed and lost at the same time. He didn´t really know how he´d ended up at Dave´s place, he´d let his feet take him wherever and it turned out to be here. It wasn´t hard to find his way there, he´d been there so many times before he didn´t actually need to think about the way.

Karkat pushed Dave aside so that he could get in before he broke down completely on the hall floor. He felt like the world was spinning; all things he´d suppressed suddenly bubbled up in him – all the harassments lately from his father, the stress of not finding a job and finally being rejected by John made tears rush down his flushed face like it was the end of the world. He was clinging onto the carpet and gasping for air when Dave kneelt down next to him. Dave was used to Karkat´s meltdowns and knew the only way it would go over was to let him let it all out, only then they could talk properly about what triggered the said meltdown.

Dave slid in an arm under Karkat and led him over to a sofa. Karkat would just let himself go like a ragdoll and collapsed on a pile of cushions. The soft feeling of fabric on his face made him calm down a bit and he started to breathe more calmly. It took another good ten minutes until his tears stopped flowing. He was now sitting huddled up on the black sofa, squeezing one of Dave´s ridiculous smuppets. While Karkat had been balling his eyes out Dave had just continued his usual tasks in the room. He noticed that his friend had calmed down and came over to join him on the sofa.

Karkat was still sniffing a bit and was staring blankly straight forward.

"So, will you tell me why you´re acting like a huge crybaby?" Dave started. Karkat would have usually snapped right back at such a comment, but he was too exhausted to care now.

"Fuck off Strider, it isn´t funny." There was a moment of silence before he opened his mouth again, his voice was raspy and tired.

"John…he.."

"He rejected you." Dave finished his line. Karkat looked at him with wondering eyes and Dave sighed. He wasn´t too fond of serious talks, but he wouldn´t let his friend down. He too had been in one or two unpleasant situations and Karkat would always be there for him.

"I was talking to him when you came over and tried to knock in my door. He was quite upset, he said he needed to talk to you."

"About what?" Karkat´s voice was strained.

"Dunno, he rambled something about ruining your friendship. Couldn´t hear the boy out."

Karkat stared back at the wall in front of him. Once again he could feel his heart getting crunched like a stepped-on cheeto. Not only had he been rejected, he´d also ruined his friendship with John; there was really nothing left to save.

"I´ve really fucked this up, haven´t I? I´m so fucking pathetic for believing that I actually had a chance…! A total moronic fucktard, that´s what I am! Why did you guys encourage me in the first place? Was it one of your shitass jokes again? Just total, insane horseshit, I hope you´re fucking proud of yourselves!" he ranted at Dave.

"No, Kar listen up. You can´t blame neither yourself nor us on this one. We encouraged you because we could definitely see something going on between the two of you." He was interrupted by his phone on the coffee table in front of them. He picked it up and looked at the number on the display with a sigh.

"Speaking of the devil. Sorry Egbert, but I´m busy sorting your mess out." He said to his phone while clicking red handset. He tossed the phone aside and put his feet on the table and sighed deeply again before continuing.

"Look Kar, I´m not a love-expert, but from what I have been seeing and hearing from both of you guys _both_ of you are more or less swooning over each other. If you ask me I think he´s simply scared of this whole thing. Weren´t you too not so long ago?"

Karkat hummed as a certain memory came back to his mind. It was true, he´d been feeling very uneasy when things started to become more serious with his ex-lover. He´d been acting so hateful towards him and kept telling everyone just how much he loathed that guy, fearing that he´d get picked on if someone knew how he really felt for him. Maybe Dave was right? He relaxed his arms and let out a muffled sigh.

"And please stop weeping, you´re ruining my smuppet."

He carelessly tossed the said plushie towards the wall, much to Dave´s annoyance. Karkat couldn´t give less fucks about it.

"Honestly, I´d never think you´d have a breakdown like this because of a crush."

Dave noticed Karkat tensing up again in the corner of his eye.

"It´s not only that, isn´t it?"

Silence. Dave knew far from everything about his life and family, not to speak about his past. Karkat had always avoided the topic and wouldn´t talk about it at all until Dave had accidentally seen Karkat´s bruises one night. They had forgotten a desk lamp on; it wasn´t much light but it was enough for Dave to make out the black and purple spots that covered his body. They had stayed up all night and Karkat would eventually tell him about the abuse and that it had been going on for quite a few years. He had a strong feeling that Karkat´s meltdown had to do with his father too.

"I know it isn´t your favorite topic, but I have to ask" he started, choosing his words carefully. "Is your dad bugging you again? I know you´ve moved out but you never know."

Karkat swallowed hard and figured there was no use lying to him. For the hour Karkat slowly opened up and told about all the texts, calls and even that Sollux´s family had been harassed by his father. He´d come over more times after the one time he´d gotten chased away by the police, always drunk as a skunk.

"I know I should report him to the police, but he´s still my father after all. He´s pretty much the only family I got left, at least on the biological side."

"So what? He treats you like fucking trash, there is no way he should get away with that shit."

They had scooted closer and were sitting huddled up right next to eachother, sharing a blanket on their backs. Dave eventually gave up on convincing Karkat to report his abusive parent and agreed on that Karkat could crash on his sofa until the weekend. Dave was sure Terezi wouldn´t mind, but things could get a bit awkward if he stayed any longer than that. He was mindlessly zapping through the channels when he heard a snore. The snore had come from a dark, fuzzy head that´d fallen asleep on his shoulder. He carefully wriggled out from their position and covered him with a blanket before absconding to his own bedroom.

Karkat was tossing and turning all night. He was having a nightmare where he was chased by a vicious figure while running through a dark, mushy forest. His legs felt like lead and the figure was getting closer and closer. He tried to hide behind trees and in bushes but it was no use; the figure was just as close behind no matter what he did. Finally, he managed to hide in what seemed like an abandoned building. The dream felt so real; he remembered locking himself up and feeling safe. There was also another figure with him in the building, dressed all in blue. Something had told him that the blue person would help him but he also had to protect the said person to any cost. Everything had seemed fine by now but the walls suddenly gave in and the sinister figure was there again, more frightening than ever. He didn´t remember what happened next, but something told him he had died in his dream.

He woke up with an awful, pounding headache and was drenched in sweat. His morning didn´t become better from falling out of the sofa; he´d tangled himself in the blanket and fell head first when he tried to get up. It was already 10AM and he´d missed out his first class. There was no need to rush; his next class was in an hour so he decided to take a long shower.

He slowly undressed in the bathroom, he was not a morning person and the restless night didn´t make things better. Before stepping into the shower he took a long look at his reflection in the mirror above the porcelain sink. Bags under his eyes, as usual, and his still uncombed hair looked like a bird´s nest. The most of his bruises had faded, only a few yellow spots where he´d received the hardest beatings. He glanced down at his pale arms. They were covered by angry, vertical scars. He´d found relief in taking out his anger on himself when he was still in high-school. Even though he´d stopped hurting himself on a regular basis but new scars were added every now and then when things got too much. Looking at himself made Karkat feel nauseous and he quickly stepped into the shower before even darker thoughts would reach him.

Karkat had completely forgotten about the time in the shower. He was trying to sort his mind out while being soothed by the warm water pouring down his body. He wondered if there was even a slightest chance that he could sort things out with John, or if he should accept the defeat, maybe even go as far as changing dorms.

He tidied the sofa before making his way out. His phone had died but luckily he remembered to bring his charger, hopefully he could charge it during some class if he could get a seat close to a wall.

The day went by painfully slow. He´d barely paid attention to his professor´s words and was now heading back to Dave´s dorm, his head still aching. It felt like a lumberjack was chopping at his head, trying to split him in half like a log. Everything around him annoyed him; people bumping into him as they hurried to their class, a group of girls giggling loudly and another yelling at someone on her phone. He hadn´t thought about it before, but things like these hadn´t bothered him the past weeks. John had always been there to distract or cheer him up. The thought of him made his heart sink like a stone.

* * *

"I´m sorry bro but I´ll have to kick you out now. That´s our deal, remember?"

It was Friday morning and the two days had passed faster than Karkat had hoped. A deal was a deal and Dave was right that it would look odd of he stayed longer than this at his dorm. He´d talked to Sol the day after he´d left his own dorm and was welcome to stay at the Captors, but staying at Dave´s was a little bit more comfortable so he decided to go there for the weekend instead.

Karkat was on his way out of Dave´s dorm with his bag. It was still quite early in the morning, around 9am and there was one thing he had to do before he could go to the Captors. He´d only packed for a few nights when he left his dorm earlier this week and needed to go get some more stuff.

The dorm wasn´t too far away, even if he walked slowly he was there in fifteen minutes. He was now standing in front of his own door, glancing down at a paper in his hand. John had given him a copy of his own schedule so that they could eat lunch together and meet up when they didn´t have classes. Karkat felt like a huge coward for avoiding John like this, but he really didn´t feel ready to face him again. Honestly, he doubted if he´d ever had the courage to look him in the eyes again.

He almost felt like an intruder when he unlocked the door and stepped in. The room was kept clean and tidy; if it wasn´t for John it would probably have looked like a wreck. He quickly filled a sportsbag with some more of his belongings, mostly clean clothes, before taking a last look and leaving the dorm as quietly as he´d approached it. A lump had formed in his throat, it didn´t feel right that he had to sneak in to his own dorm and he wished he´d never told John about his feelings towards him. If he´d kept his mouth shut he could at least have been just friends with John. It would have been hard, but this was a thousand times worse. He hurried to his own class, hoping that the lump in his throat and the growing pressure over his chest would decrease over the day.

Karkat had seen that John had called him during a class. He dithered whether to call him back or not and decided on the latter, why even try if there was nothing to say or do about the situation?

* * *

Saturday went by quickly and almost pain-free. Karkat mind was kept busy by helping out at the household. He and Sollux had been spending a whole day at the garden, chopping up and carrying away a smaller tree that´d been blown down. They had greedily devoured the dinner after finishing the hard work and were now spread out on two sofas in the living room. None of them had spoken for a while when Sol decided to break the silence.

"KK, you know you have to talk to him further or sooner?"

Karkat tried to ignore his friend´s words. The thought of John made his heart sink yet again, there was no way he would talk to him, he´d just make things worse. But he knew that Sol was a stubborn person; he wouldn´t stop bugging him about "doing the right thing" until he actually gave in and did as he was told.

"Yeah, I know Sol. You have been nagging me about that the whole fucking day."

"Not true. But I will if you won´t start listening and you know that very well, dumbfuck."

"Stop bitching, nimshit! I´ll go talk to him on Monday so calm the fuck down already!"

"It´s about time dipshit! How long have you ignored that poor kid? Four days? Are you trying to make Guinness´ world record in being a fucking douchebag?"

"I said shut the fuck up you blithering feculent shithole!"

"Boys, mind your language or I´ll throw both of you out heads first!" A deep, male voice interrupted them. Sollux´s father was standing in the doorway, hands crossed on his chest and with a fearsome look in his eyes. Both of the younger males forgot that they weren´t alone from time to time. None of them wanted to pull Mr. Captor´s strings any further and decided to shut up instead. The said man let out a sigh and left the two boys for themselves again.

"Monday?" It was more like a statement than a question.

"Monday it is."

* * *

Karkat woke up drenched in sweat; his night had been haunted by nightmares again. Old memories made their way back to the surface and the dark cloud that´d surrounded him for the past days had grown thick. It was like smoke and he was forced to inhale no matter how much it hurt him; there was nothing else to breathe. He almost laughed at himself as he rose from the bed; it´s funny how one seemingly little thing could make things go so bad.

It was almost noon but Sollux was still in deep sleep, entwined in his bedsheets. Tomorrow was the day Karkat would go back to his own dorm and talk with John. He raked together his belongings and went downstairs. He was feeling nauseous again and only the thought of food made him wanna throw up what was left from yesterday´s dinner. Sollux´s parents were out, probably going for a stroll in a nearby park. Karkat glanced at the kitchen clock. He didn´t feel like being social today, he needed time for himself and his thoughts. There was some movement upstairs; footsteps making their way across his friend´s room. He grabbed an apple from a fancy glass-bowl on the kitchen counter and left the house. Leaving without a word like this would probably piss Sollux off, but he couldn´t care less about it. A few curses and then things would be as usual again between them.

It was slightly raining outside and ashen clouds prevented even the smallest ray of sun to get through. Karkat´s mind was like a tangled web. Lost in thoughts he walked down the street on the slippery pavement.

He felt so cold – not only on the outside. There was a familiar numbness inside him, gripping him with it´s cold claws. There was no point in trying to get back John, why would he forgive him? He didn´t like him, nobody did. He was just a useless, pathetic looser, always in the way for people. His sight was getting blurred and he was trying to fight back the tears by biting his quivering lip. He could feel a metallic taste in his mouth caused by accidentally biting his lip too hard. Suddenly his legs gave in as he slipped on the wet leaves. Luckily he could stop himself from landing on his face, but he was still soaked; he was standing on all four in the middle of a huge puddle.

"Fuck!" He cursed loudly, and bashed the ground with his clenched fists, causing the muddy water to splash on his face. After a few deep inhales he slowly stood up again, only to almost fall to his knees again in shock. He was in front of his house. It was like he was running in circles; no matter how much he tried to get away he always ended up at the same place as he began.

He just stood there for a while, not really knowing what to do next. His clothes were sticking to his body and his teeth chattered. The buckled, red car was parked in front of the house, but that didn´t necessarily mean anyone was home. Karkat took a few hesitating leaps towards the front door. The front yard was a mess; no-one had trimmed the grass for weeks and there were some broken and faded plastic decorations scattered around the yard. The curtains were closed and the color was peeling off the walls on the house. The whole place looked haunted; no sane person would go and knock on the door. But Karkat was freezing and it was a long way to his dorm.

The door opened with a creak and he was immediately met by a foul smell. It was dim and there was trash all the way down the hall. He could feel his stomach turn and told himself that this would only be a quick visit. He kicked aside some pizza-boxes and cans on his way to his old room. There was an unpleasant silence in the house. It was clear that someone had been looking through his room; his few belongings were carelessly tossed out from drawers and shelves. He managed to find a clean set of clothes to put on and sat down on his bed. Something shiny on his nightstand caught his eye; broken glass and a knocked over frame. He scooted over and picked up the frame. The glass was broken and pieces of it fell down in his lap. There was a woman and a young boy in the picture, both smiling widely. There was no doubt they were related; they had the same smile and dark eyes. If she only was alive now, how different that boy´s life would have been. If only he could have saved her back then; he would even give his own life only to bring her back from the grave. Chills went down his spine; something wasn´t right, he wasn´t alone. He looked up only to see something swing towards him. Then everything went pitch-black.


	7. Chapter 7

**Gosh, thank you so much for reading! I´m so glad you guys decided to read, follow and favorite my story! This chapter took too long to write , I´m sorry. I had written quite a lot when I decided to rewrite the whole chapter ^^'' I hoped it turned out well and that you´ll enjoy it!~**

* * *

Karkat slowly opened his eyes. He was sprawled out on his bed, head throbbing in pain. His vision was blurry and he noticed something sticky on his head, something that had poured down and stained his sheets crimson. It took a couple of seconds before he could make the connection; blood. His own blood, to be precise. He remembered being hit by something before passing out completely.

Sitting up was a painful process, his head was spinning and he almost fell back several times. He grabbed some kind of clothing and placed it over his still bleeding wound. There was a grunting sound from across the room.

There he was; passed out on a pile of clothes and books, still holding an empty bottle of Bourbon, it wasn´t a very pleasant view. Another snorting sound. As much as Karkat was filled with disgust, he couldn´t help but notice that he´d tried to get himself together. He had a somewhat clean shirt on, his hair had grown long again but it was clean too and there was a band aid on his chin from shaving. Karkat staggered over and took away his bottle before proceeding to the kitchen.

The kitchen was a bit tidier than the rest of the house. The most of the trash had been collected in big plastic bags and empty bottles were waiting to be recycled. Karkat put his bottle with next to them – they almost looked like bowling pins, waiting to be knocked over. He began searching the cupboards in hope of finding some painkillers. Along some suspicious looking pills he found the familiar package and quickly washed down a pair of them with some water. He leaned against the counter with his back and dragged his hand through his hair. His hand got caught in something sticky. With a sigh he made his way to the bathroom, carelessly kicking away whatever got in front of him. The further away he got from the kitchen, the dirtier the house was. Dusty curtains blocked out the most of the outside light, but he could still see how all kinds of junk was stacked in the corners.

The bathroom lamp flickered when it got switched on. Karkat somehow found a clean towel and was cleaning his face and wound off with it. The damp coldness felt good, his head was spinning and aching much less now. The wound was much smaller as he had estimated it to be at first. It was a small cut; starting just above his left eyebrow and ending at his hairline. Karkat sighed at the relief that he wouldn´t have to go to a hospital and get himself stitched up again, it would have given him a lot of unwanted attention.

Still holding the towel against his forehead he went back to the kitchen. He dragged out one of the worn, wooden chairs and sat down with a thump to clear his mind. His father had obviously made an attempt to make things better. This was one of the biggest efforts he´d made in what, a year? There had to be a really good reason for this.

There was a sound of a bottle hitting the floor somewhere in the house and someone with a groggy voice cursing. After a moment of silence the source of the voice was making its way towards the kitchen. Karkat leaned back on his chair and pinched his nose, waiting for him to arrive.

"I thought…I thought you were some thief" his voice sounded distant, like he was talking in his sleep. Karkat felt his irritation grow in tact with his headache. Of course he wasn´t sober, why would he?

"I think they got there before me, judging by how it looks. What the fuck have you´ve been doing in my room?" he scoffed. "You know, what? Don´t even bother answering that, I don't think I want to know!"

The older man had stopped walking and was lazily leaning against the wall in the doorway.

"Then what do you want to know? You haven´t been here for months, do you know how worried I have been!"

"You knew I had moved to a dorm so don´t fucking play! I came here to get some of my stuff with no intention to talk to you or even see your nasty face!"

"I know but you haven´t replied to neither my calls nor texts! I have been really worried and I am so glad that you´re back, Karkat." He gave his son a sorry smile and took a step forward with his arms out.

"I´m not going to fucking hug you. I´m so done with you and all your bullshitting around all the fucking time and I´m leaving for good. Don´t expect to ever see me again." Karkat´s words cut through the air like a knife. His father´s smile faded and he let down his arms again. Karkat waited for him to reply; some final words before he left this place forever.

"Please, just give me one more chance. I have...things have turned to the better later. I have been sober for two weeks and I will stay like this, I promise."

Karkat let out a snarly laugh.

"You? Sober? Yeah, right! Then why were you passed out after whacking me unconscious?"

His father got a hurt look on his face; "I´m so sorry about that, I had no idea that it was you! As I said, I thought you were an intruder. I´ve been working night-shifts the past week and I was pretty much walking in my sleep. You can´t blame me for that."

"Wait… you have been to work?" This was a huge surprise to Karkat. His father had lived on their savings and on the money his bother sent him every month so that they could keep the house. At least until now.

"It isn´t a high income job, I am going to another job interview today. So please, give me a new chance." He begged his son.

Karkat´s feelings were swirling around inside him. His anger towards his father slowly faded and he felt confused. Maybe there was a chance things would really get better now?

"Okay." He started, looking at his father with furrowed brows, "Last chance." His father´s face lit up in happiness and took a big leap forward, trying to hug his son. But Karkat quickly avoided the gesture; he was glad but far from that much.

"Thank you, thank you so much! I´m sorry I can´t stay any longer now-" he glanced at the kitchen clock "-I´m already late for the interview, wish me luck!" Karkat murmured something while his father hurried out. He could hear him start his car and drive off before fishing out his phone. Sollux had texted him, wondering how things were going. Karkat mindlessly scrolled through his contacts. He wanted to ask someone if this was really happening, if he should get his hopes up. He didn´t have much battery left, only enough for one shorter call. He stopped at one of the oldest numbers he´d been keeping in his contacts and pressed "call". Karkat waited and waited, maybe he was busy?

"Hello?" A deep, male voice answered. Karkat sighed in relief before starting to speak.

"Hey, uncle Peter. It´s me, Karkat."

"Oh hi! How are you, is everything alright?"

He sounded joyful as always. Someone was clattering in the kitchen in the background. Karkat didn´t really know what he wanted to say, he´d hoped the words would come to him as he started speaking, but his mind was blank.

"I..I´m at dad´s"

The clattering ceased and his uncle´s voice got filled with concern.

"Are you okay? I can´t come over but I can ask someone to go and pick you up."

"No, I´m just fine. Nothing has happened." A lie, there was no need to make him worried over small things.

"I talked to dad and he seems like he´s really trying. I was thinking that I should maybe give him another chance. He got himself a job and the house is starting to look better too." There was a pause and his uncle sighed.

"Karkat, I´m not going to lie to you. This is not the first time he has really tried and asked for second chances. We have been in this situation many times before and you have given him more second chances than I can count on my fingers and toes…" he sounded disappointed in his brother and took another pause before continuing.

"How is school going, do you enjoy your dorm?" Karkat was thinking about how his grades had started to rise.

"It´s going really good actually. I don´t need to ask Sol for help so often anymore. And the dorm is neat too. But I haven´t got a job yet, it´s hard as fuck to find anything here."

"Isn´t it better than living with your father?"

"I guess it is" Karkat wondered where this conversation was going. He wanted to talk about his father, not chitchat with his uncle.

"Now, imagine yourself in let´s say.. six months, still living on your own. Don´t worry about a job, I can hear with my colleagues if they have anything for you there. School would continue to go this good, probably even better. You´re a smart kid, Karkat, there is no doubt. You would surround yourself with much better people than your father. I know that he loves you but there is honestly no hope left for him. I too have given him so many chances before but I know that he´ll just fall back into his old self within a month. And you will be stuck with him again."

Karkat just listened silently at his uncle´s words, just humming in reply every now and then.

"You have great potential inside you and I have told you many times before. Just look how far you´ve got within these few months. I think you should really reconsider giving your father a new chance and move back. Don´t worry about him, I´ll continue sending money to him so he won´t be homeless. He is my brother after all." There was a sound of a thud and some clatter, followed by a child´s cry. "Oh dear… I have to go now Karkat. Take care and please think through your decisions, can you promise me that?" Karkat promised and they both hung up. He just stared at the phone´s display for a long while. It showed a "low battery" warning one last time before turning itself off completely.

He was right, after all. Things were going good for his father but a smaller downfall was all that he needed to go back to emptying bottles. But he wasn´t right about Karkat. There was no "great potential" inside of him; he was just a worthless loser. He ran his fingers over the black screen and went back to his old bedroom. While searching through the room for belongings he wanted to keep he ran through all the "what if"´s. What if he did move out for good this time? It´s not that he would never move out, but he could still live here for a couple of years if he wanted to. Would it really be as Peter said; that things could become even better? He picked up the frame from his bed and took out the photograph of his mother and himself as a kid. The last pieces of the shattered glass fell in to his lap and he wondered what she would have said to him. She was the most loving and caring person he´d ever met, always putting others first.

Carefully putting away the picture he made his decision. He wanted to believe that this would be what she wanted. A wave of confidence shot through him; he wouldn't let things get him down, no matter what he´d have to face. He would do anything to avoid becoming like his father.

* * *

His heart was racing as he lifted a shaking hand to knock on room 233. Scared for what John´s reaction would be, he finally knocked three times. It felt like an eternity before the door finally opened.

"Karkat!" John gasped. Karkat couldn't form an answer before John was clinging to his neck.

"Where have you been? I´m so, so sorry, I didn´t mean it, I was so confused and I-I..!" his sapphire eyes were dimmed by tears. "I´m so sorry, Karkat."

It felt so good having him close again, feeling the curve of his body against his own. Squeezing him tight, Karkat hid his face in the crook of John´s neck. They just stood there; holding each other closely. John´s sniffling made Karkat´s heart fill with regret.

"No, _I´m_ sorry. I shouldn't have run off like that for several days. I should have just accepted your answer and go on. I cannot possibly blame you for telling me the truth." He felt his heart sink again. "I do understand that you just want to be friends with me, it´s okay."

But it really wasn´t and it took a huge effort to lie to him like this. He´d already hurt him so much, he couldn't stand seeing him this upset.

"Yeah about that.." John started. He wiped off his chin and took a step back so that he could see Karkat. "We need to talk."

* * *

"Nanna, can I ask you something?"

John was at his grandma´s home. It was Friday night and the whole house was filled with the delightful smell of freshly baked cookies. They were both sitting in front of the TV, watching some old black and white movie. He needed to come away for some time and his Nanna´s home was one of his favorite places on earth. Even though he´d left right after school it was already getting dark outside when he arrived. He wanted to talk about what had happened before they went to bed.

"Of course darling! What´s troubling your mind?" she gave him a wrinkled and heartwarming smile and he immediately felt more at ease.

"Okay, let´s see. Well, recently one I know told me that they like me more than a friend."

"I see, and how do you feel about this person?"

"That´s the problem, I don´t know Nanna." The old lady came closer, putting a hand on the troubled boy´s shoulder.

"What comes to your mind when you think of this person?"

John closed his eyes and imagined Karkat standing in front of him.

"I actually though they´d be a bully when I first met them. But the more time I spent with them, the more I got to know that they are actually quite a softie. Even though they mock me a lot they never really mean it. I always have a great time with this person, time flies and they have really made me feel comfortable in my new school and with my new friends. Oh and the movie nights we have together are awesome! We had to make up a schedule for our movies because we could never agree on one. They usually fall asleep halfway through, but it´s okay. At least I´m not watching it alone and he is kind of cute when he sleeps, like a curled up cat. He´s actually quite good-looking, to be honest.

But what I like the most with him is that he just accepts how I am. He does make fun of my stuff and my habits but never in a mean way, he´s just..okay with it. And he stands up for me, he almost punched a guy in the face for calling me names!" Eyes still closed, John smiled from ear to ear "He´s a really nice perso-"

John´s eyes opened and he inhaled deeply in panic. He´d gotten so engulfed in describing Karkat he´d completely forgotten to say "they" instead of "he". His Nanna was very accepting and liberal for her age, but he didn´t know how she felt about those things. John peeked over at her seat; she just smiled as loving as usual at him.

"I think he sounds like a lovely person and you seem head over heels for him, boy. Just look at you, you are practically _glowing_ when you talk about him!"

John´s jaw dropped and he hurried over to give her a big, thankful hug. He felt so relieved that this was out and that she´d taken it so good. His sudden joy was soon replaced.

"But Nanna, when he confessed I said I didn´t like him like that…He got upset and I haven´t talked to him since that. I´m afraid I have burned all the bridges..."

"Now listen boy, if this is something that is meant to be this is merely a rough start of something beautiful!" her voice was determined but her grey eyes sparkled out of pure joy and excitement.

"Stop worrying about this now, I´m sure it will work out between the two of you!"

* * *

The words "we have to talk" always scared Karkat, but he tried to convince himself that it was a good thing this time. At least John wanted to talk, hopefully they could sort things out and everything would be normal again between them. There was a tiny kitchen with only the most necessary things in it and they were now seated on each side of a small, square table. John smiled nervously and scratched his arm before final breaking the silence.

"I´m glad you´re back, things didn´t end too well last time I saw you.."

"John, I´m really sorry for what I said. I should ha-"

"No, please listen. There was nothing wrong with how you reacted, well maybe except for running off and not make yourself known for several days. " John shook his head "However, what I want to say is that I was taken aback by your confession and I didn´t have time to think through things properly."

"Egbert"

"And I- eh?"

"You´re rambling. Come to the point." Karkat was just as nervous as him, but he wouldn't sit and listen to this all day. He wanted this to be short and as pain-free as possible, like pulling off an old band-aid. John was completely silent and his eyes were darting trough the room before settling on Karkat. He was so nervous he almost shook, what if he´d changed his mind during the days he´d been gone?

"Okay, uh. I needed to give this a little time and I..like you too."

A whale could have come crashing through the roof and that would still have surprised Karkat less than this. His eyes were of the size of the moon and he couldn't believe his ears.

"Wait, what. Really?" John nodded in reply and continued, stuttering in nervousness .

"I want start this off better with you. So I wanted to ask if you, erhm, wanted to go on a date with me. If you still um, like me." Even though he was cherry red up to the tips of his ears, he smiled widely at Karkat.

"How could I possibly _not_ like you, you fucking dumbass?"

John laughed, relieved that Karkat was his old self and even made Karkat crack up a bit. He took John´s hand and looked at him curiously.

"So, where are we going?"

John grinned "That´s a surprise! I wanna make up for being so mean, I promise it will be great!"

"If there´s anyone who should make up for being a huge dick it´s me."

"You can make up by having a good time at our date." His giggles faded and his blue eyes met Karkat´s dark pair. For a moment they both just sat there, gazing at each other until John cut it off by shooting off his chair.

"Okay, then let´s go!"


	8. Chapter 8

"Oh god, _please_ stop apologizing already! You should punch me right in the face instead and leave me with a shiner! But no, you´re taking me on a _date_. Congratulations, you surpass yourself with this one."

"Yes, I´m taking you on a date and I will keep apologizing, deal with it!"

Karkat was sitting on the bus with John, destiny still unknown. The rain pattered against the window. John had been apologizing over and over again, making Karkat feel even more uneasy. In his eyes the only villain here was himself. Things had turned out unbelievably good when he had returned but he couldn´t feel happy about it. He didn´t deserve his apologies neither this date he was taking him on.

"We´re getting off here!"

Before Karkat could say any more his hand was grabbed and John was dragging him off the bus. They had hopped off near the back of a big building. Karkat couldn't pinpoint what, but there was something hauntingly familiar about this place. John had let go of his hand and they were rounding the second corner when he recognized himself. The big sign and plastic figures around the glass entrance made the memories come back to him as a tide. He´d been here before, when things were still okay. When his mother was still alive and they were a normal, happy family. At least this place gave him happy memories, unlike many other places.

"Ta-daa; the tropicarium! Nepeta told me about it last week and I´ve been dying to visit it!" John was bouncing up and down in excitement while Karkat was busy staring at the building in front of them.

"You don´t like it? If you´ve already been here we can go somewhere else.." He sounded sad and a little bit scared, like he´d done something wrong. Karkat quickly snapped back at reality, the last thing he wanted was to make him upset again. This time he grabbed John´s wrist and started walking towards the entrance.

"Nope, never been here before. C´mon, we have shitloads of things to see!" He tugged at his wrist and John hurried to keep up with his fast pace. Karkat kept holding his wrist as they approached the ticket booth. But when John approached the booth he started to pull his hand back; wriggling it out of Karkat´s and took a few steps in front of him. Surprised by his action, Karkat hurried back to his see to see his face in hope of some kind of explanation. The answer was written all over his face; his eyes were darting to and fro the room and you could see that he was holding back panic. _Oh._ The carefree mood between them immediately died.

"Sorry" Karkat mumbled under his breath. John didn´t seem to catch what he said and looked at him questioning, raising one of his brows behind the thick-rimmed glasses.

"Maybe we should just go back again. This doesn´t seem like the right place for a da-"

"No,no it´s great!" John hurried to reply, still tense. But then he continued in a much softer, sincere voice "Please, don´t run away again." He looked sorrowful and it didn´t take more than that to make Karkat understand.

They received their tickets and made their way in to the tropicarium. Except for the teachers and parents who escorted the children they were the oldest persons at the place. John was mesmerized as soon as they stepped into the first room. There were a lot of silly installations that were originally meant for the children, but that didn´t stop John from forcing Karkat to try out all of them together with him. While Karkat seemed bored and kept on whining about how ridiculous this was John felt as good as a fish in the sea. And speaking of bad puns; John had discovered that the information signs at the aquariums contained loads of fish-puns and he didn´t hesitate to read them out loud.

"..so go for it whilst the oppor-tuna-ty is still there!" He barely spoke the sentence before he started laughing again.

"Oh my fucking god, you must have gotten some serious brain-damage during this visit, it isn´t even funny!"

"Oh come on Karkat, they are _glubbing fintastic_!" he cracked out before bursting out in an uncontrollable laughter again. Accidentally, he let out the most awkward giggle-snort sound and now it was Karkat´s turn to finally crack up. Clearly embarrassed, John quickly turned over the attention to the manta-rays who were swimming above them.

And they were quite a sight; they looked so peaceful, like some magical creatures floating in the crystal clear water. They both calmed down and soon John was hypnotized by the view. Karkat took the opportunity to slide his hand closer to John´s and loosely grab it. It was either the hypnotizing view that kept him from noticing or that they´d become much more comfortable during the visit, but John didn´t pull away his hand. Karkat took a step closer and peeked at him in silence. His nose curved up into a button shape, adding to his cuter features. There was nothing he didn´t like about him, he was about as perfect as a human being could be in his eyes.

The peaceful silence was suddenly broken by a noisy class on a field trip galloping in to the same room as they stood in. In one movement, John jerked away his hand and took a step away from Karkat. The hoard of children passed them; too busy gasping and pointing at the manta rays to even notice the two males. Karkat watched them walk by him before looking up at John. The magic was broken and his face was like a reflection of Karkat´s own sadness.

"If you´ve decided to take the hetero train now is a good fucking point to tell me"

"Karkat, I´m sorry.." he hesitated.

"And for the love of God, stop saying you´re sorry! Just make up your mind cause I don´t think I can take another fucking rejection from you now that you´ve gotten my hopes up!" he took a few, deep breathes. Some people who had come in were already staring and he didn´t want to bring more attention to the two of them. John was just staring at his feet as if he couldn´t hear his words. Karkat sighed loudly and took a step back, ready to abandon the whole thing when he finally spoke up.

"I…I was thinking a lot about how I have been acting towards you and looking back at it I would've interpret it the same way as you did. So I understand that you got upset when I just turned you down like that, It´s just that… " He looked around the room to make sure their unwanted spectators had left before continuing.

"I´ve always been told that it´s _wrong_ so I automatically denied my feelings to protect myself. And that´s just very selfish. Therefor; I´m sorry Karkat. You shouldn´t have to bear with someone like me.." He looked at Karkat with a remorseful look. The fact that he was so sad over a thing like liking someone else made Karkat have to swallow hard. He recognized himself so much in John right now; it could have been a younger version of himself talking right now.

"There is no fucking thing wrong with liking someone. Love is probably the most beautiful thing on this rotten planet and any brainless dickpimple who´s telling you that it´s _wrong_ can go fuck themselves with a cactus!"

John laughed under his breath at the last sentence and Karkat took a leap forward and looked at him with that stubborn look.

"Is that what´s keeping you back? I want you to be honest with me, kapish?"

John nodded in reply and added: "I´m afraid of what my friends will think of me and.. well, this."

"Are you kidding me?" Karkat snorted "Half of your friends are gayer than a double rainbow with sparkly unicorns dancing on it and _you´re afraid of what they´ll think of you_?" He put his hand on his forehead and laughed lightly in relief while John was staring at him in plain shock.

"Wait _what_? Who of them?"

"Seriously? Well, let´s see" Karkat brought down his hand and started counting on his fingers "Kan and Rose have been lesbians for each other since highschool, clown-ass and his boytoy Tavros, the jerkshit Strider – even though he´s with Rezi now, guess that makes him bi or something. Hell, even my best man is chasing after that sassy Ampora´s ass!"

John was still looking at him as he´d just been told that grey-skinned aliens with candy-corn horns existed.

"I knew about Rose and clowny, but the rest.."

"Now take a moment to let it sink in, exactly who of your friends did you think would mock on you for liking dudes, braindead dumbdumb?"

It was John´s turn to breathe out in relief now. He relaxed his shoulders and a familiar smile was on his lips again.

"Okay, that changes things. But I´m still concerned about the others.."

"Others? If you ask me only my friends´ opinions are valid, I don´t give a flying fuck about others." He grabbed John´s hand again, hoping he wouldn´t pull it away again. "And you really shouldn't either. You´re giving way too many fucks about what people think about you already."

That was very true indeed. Unlike Karkat, John cared a lot about what the people around him thought of him and could make quite a big thing of it. He could get panic attacks and claim that he said and did things so terribly wrong and refused to meet them again. Karkat could never understand just why he was so insecure about himself; in his eyes it was the last thing he should be worried about. He often envied him; he had many friends who loved to hang out with him, a very caring father, good grades and not to speak of his good looks. He had and was pretty much everything Karkat wasn´t. Even a very good-looking girl named Vriska had been macking on him several times lately. John didn´t notice, but this would make Karkat feel threatened and anxious. He knew he didn´t stand a chance to a chick like her. Still, John had chosen to go a date with him.

John didn´t let go of his hand back then when Karkat grabbed it again and their hands were locked schoolboys during the whole date. Every now and then John got anxious about people staring but Karkat quickly got his mind on other things; he told jokes, dragged him over to see the colorful animals in their cages or just started talking about other things. He was uncomfortable in this role for a long time but eventually it felt naturally. It felt naturally to protect him, to make him smile and laugh, like it was the only thing he was good at. And John seemed to enjoy it too; they had come closer and closer the whole time. The gap between them was gone and they were looking for each other's attention by small gestures; squeezing the other´s hand, stroke their arm or brush up closely against them.

"Hey, are you deaf? The place closed ten minutes ago!" a furious guard was marching toward them with long leaps. They had heard the calls but decided to ignore them in hope of being able to stay just a little more. Now they had an angry muscle-mountain chasing them out of the tropicarium.

They ran out from the building and continued running all the way to the bus stop. Exhausted and panting they both burst out in laughter – they were both in such an embarrassingly bad shape. Everything was like before, only a little bit better; they goofed around and play-fighted for a while but ended up standing huddled up against each other with their arms crooked. There was still a fine, mist of rain and John´s glasses got covered in tiny water drops, much to his annoyment. They stood close to each other in silence, trying to keep warm in the chilly night when the bus finally rolled in in front of them. It was of an older model, with rust above the tires and sun-bleached seats. They walked by the other passengers; a tired woman with dark circles under her eyes and a man who´d fallen asleep whilst leaning to the window, and took a seat far back in the vehicle.

John wasn´t the type who could keep quiet for a longer time and soon he was babbling about their date.

"…okay, but seriously. Did you enjoy it? Because I want to know where we should go next time."

"Okay, seriously" Karkat mimicked "It was great. It really was, John. It has been a while since someone took me out to a nice place like this. But next time I choose where we go, I can´t let you get too much control!"

John chuckled at the reply, glad that things had worked out this good today. He was looking out the window and when he looked back at Karkat a small smirk had formed on his lips.

"What?"

"Nothin´, just thinking."

"About what?"

"About that fabulous snort-giggle-laugh you made earlier. You should get an Oscar for that because it was fucking hideous" he teased with the smirk still present.

"Noo, stop it! It was an accident! I know It sounded terrible but it really just slipped out!" he excused. Karkat scoffed and grabbed his chin.

"I´m just kidding, it was fucking _adorable_. You´re adorable." He leant in and gave John a haste kiss before turning away to the window again. He didn´t need to see John´s reaction, he knew that he´d blush like a tomato. Andhe´d smile that sheepish smile of his, the one he´d only let Karkat see when he was truly happy.

* * *

**Aaah, adorable lil´shits. I love writing this~**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello! Thank you so much for reviewing, following an favouriting this story, it means a lot! I´ve had a lot in school but things are more chill now and I have a whole week off soon, so I´ll try to write more! I got an interesting question and I want to write it here too because I think others are curious too.**

**Who´s the seme/uke?**

**I don´t see neither of them as a complete uke or seme. Not all relationships have to be like this, and in this case the "roles" can switch a bit. But I do see Karkat more of a seme when it comes to physical things (including sexual stuff) since he had a boyfriend before and is more experienced with that. John is more seme-ish when it comes to social things and can be very uke-ish when it comes to physical stuff. But who knows, things may change. **

* * *

John Egbert and Karkat Vantas were dating.

A fact that Karkat was struggling with to believe. They had been to several dates during the past weeks and always had a splendid time together. Karkat felt great; spending time with John had made him change a lot. It was Sollux who´d pointed out the fact that he´d become much happier in general; his eyebrows were wrinkled less often and he walked with his head high nowadays. He even smiled in public every now and then, a very rare expression for the usually grumpy male. But there was one thing that prevented everything from being just perfect.

All their dates, big and small, had been in secret. And not only was not a soul allowed to know about them; John was also very uncertain when it came to physical contact. Small things like a kiss on the cheek or holding hands had been okay in the beginning, but the more they got to know each other, the more he avoided physical contact. He´d even stopped cuddling with Karkat during their movie-nights, making an awkward distance between them in the bed. And this bothered Karkat a lot, of course.

Not showing their affection was understandable, considering John´s fear and bad memories. But the obvious dislike of any contact gave Karkat haunting thoughts like that John had changed his mind and was disgusted by the whole thing.

It was just a usual day at their dorm-room; John was at their tiny kitchen, trying to make something eatable with the few things they had in the fridge. Karkat was sitting at the small table placed in the kitchen corner, waiting impatiently for the food while watching him gliding to and fro the stove. The smell of wooked vegetables and noodles mad his stomach grumble loudly.

"Jooooooohn. Are you planning to let me starve to death?"

John just hummed in reply; too busy focusing on not burning the food to even take in the question. Tired of waiting Karkat stood up from his chair and walked over to John. Silently, he hugged the cook from behind, dragging him in close by his hips and placed his chin on his shoulder.

"I´m serious here. I will fucking _die _if you don´t feed me this instant."

In response of the unexpected action, John tensed up and started fumbling with the pan; almost spilling it´s content. With a deep and annoyed sigh Karkat stepped back, hands up in defense.

"Geez then be like that! I can´t even fucking touch you nowadays!" he strode back to the table and sat down with a thump. John shoved up two portions and put the plates on the table and without uttering a single word he began eating. Karkat refuse to accept this behavior and sat with arms crossed, staring angrily at him.

"We need to talk."

John coughed from almost getting food in the wrong pipe and stared down at this plate as if it would attack him any second.

"John please look at me. We need to talk because something is obviously not working at all between us. Avoiding a problem will not fucking solve it, ever." Karkat brought down his arms to not look to intimidating and John looked up from his plate. He swallowed hard and put down his utensils on each side of his plate.

"Okay, let´s talk Karkat."

"Why are you avoiding me?" the question was straightforward.

"I am not!" he exclaimed.

"Yes you are! Avoiding me is exactly what you´re doing! I can´t talk to you because you won´t answer. I can´t touch you, or even hold your hand. I can´t even fucking tell my best friend that we´re dating!" his voice had increased to a lower shouting, with a clear disappointment in his voice.

"If I didn´t knew better, I´d think you are just acting."

"Karkat I am not! I just don´t want people to know, not yet!"

"You don´t want them to know because you´re not serious. It was fun for a little while but your shiny new toy isn´t half as fun as it used to be, right?" it sounded more like an exclamation than a question.

"I´ve already told you this, but it seems hard to understand; I want you to be completely honest with me. Not matter what." It felt good to let out his bottled-up thoughts, even though the look in John´s blue eyes were giving him a heartache like nothing else could.

"I am serious about this Karkat. That´s why I want to wait with letting everyone know, so please be patient with me. I know it is far from easy…but I really want this to work out."

The words were right, but the tone in his voice sounded doubtful, like he was trying to convince himself of this so-called truth. It was Karkat´s turn to reply with silence.

Dinner continued with only stiff small-talk and Karkat left earlier than needed. His uncle had called a couple of days after their last talk, telling him the great news that there was a job for Karkat at a gas station nearby. He told that an old friend of his still owed him for borrowing his car for a long time, so in exchange he promised Karkat a job as a cashier there. Together with the income and his uncle covering the rest, Karkat would be able to pay for school.

Work kept things off his mind for the rest of the day and soon it was 8pm already. He was tired but had already promised Gamzee to come to the party of his. Gamzee loved to throw parties and pretty much everyone was invited. The Makaras were quite wealthy, something that didn´t show at all on Gamzee, and they owned a big, old mansion. The parents were usually out on business trips for the most of the time, so he could have parties every weekend if he so wanted.

Karkat would rather have gone directly to the party, but he didn´t bring anything to change into since the original plan was to there with John. Also he needed to shower; he smelled like the fast food that was served at the gas station.

* * *

Karkat carelessly tossed down his backpack at the end of the bunker-bed. John was working on his computer at his desk. Without looking up he greeted his roommate.

"Hey, how was work?"

"Fan-fucking-tastic. I love serving fat-ass, rude truck-drivers for a living." He said before going in to the bathroom. He got out of his working clothes and stepped in to the shower. He turned on the water but quickly jerked away from the stream; he never got used to that the water was always ice-cold the first minute. The shower was refreshing and gave him some new energy. He watched the bubbles run off his body while standing right under the hot stream with his head and his raven hair slicked to his face. He turned off the water a good fifteen minutes later and wrapped a towel around his waist. Dragging a comb through his wet hair he examined his body; not even the biggest and darkest bruises were no longer visible. He often wondered how his father was doing, if he really did pull his shit together and got sobered up. And every now and then he reconsidered visiting him.

He realized he´d forgotten to bring any clean clothes and went out of the room wearing only the towel. Since John´s eyes were glued to his screen, this didn´t bother Karkat. He took out a black, long sleeved shirt and skinny grey jeans and began getting dressed. He was half dressed when he felt John´s eyes on him. He didn´t know how long John had been observing him when he turned around. Dark eyes met his big, sapphire eyes for a second before he turned back to his screen.

"What?" Karkat raised a curious eyebrow.

"Nothing! Are you going to the party?" Karkat could see the tip of his ears become crimson and became embarrassed himself.

"Yeah, just changing clothes and then I´m off. Are you coming?"

"Maybe later, I´m a bit busy at the moment" he answered, eyes still fixated at the monitor.

"You don´t even know where it is, dumbdumb. Here- " Karkat took an old paper from his desk and scribbled down the address in sprawled, big letters and put next to John´s hand.

"See you later then maybe."

He tugged on his black converse and stopped halfway out.

"I´ll probably not come home tonight, I´m staying at Gamzee´s. If you cared, that is." He said before closing the door a little bit harder than needed.

* * *

The booming music could be heard already at the street corner. The closer Karkat got to his friend´s house, the more cars and people appeared. It was only past nine, but some were already wasted and teetered as they tried to get home. Karkat wrinkled his nose at the sight and made his way indoors.

"Heeeey motherfucking best friend!" The scrawny male, high on god knows what, pushed past the people in front of him to greet his friend. His dark brown hair was standing out at every direction and he was wearing his usual dotted slackers. He was much taller than Karkat and lifted him up in a tight hug.

"So motherfucking glad you came!"

"Gamzee let me the fuck down!" he protested.

"Okay okay! Here, have some wicked elixir." He handed Karkat a red plastic cup with a wide grin. Karkat sniffed at the drink he´d been handed; it smelled strongly of alcohol. Probably vodka mixed out with something else that´d given it an almost glowing green color.

"How´s it going with Johnnyboy?" he asked, still grinning at Karkat.

"I don´t wanna fucking talk about him! I came here to get my mind off things."

"It´s all cool motherfucker. Won´t bother you about it then, tell be if you need anything brother." He patted Karkat´s shoulder before vanishing into the noisy crowd again. He stared down at the cup before deciding to take a big gulp of the green fluid.

The cup was soon emptied and replaced by another. Karkat was on his third when he´d sat down at a sofa together with Sollux. Alcohol made Karkat talk and soon he was ranting about his troubled love-life.

"I just don´t _fucking_ know anymore Sol! I´m so fucking tired of his unintellgle- unintillg- **FUCK**! _Unintelligible_ behavior!" Karkat had to half-scream to drown out the loud music. He took another gulp of his drink before continuing in the same loud an aggressive tone.¨

"I fucking _love_ him! He´s the best fucking thing in my pathetic life!"

A sudden shriek made him turn his attention to the other side of the room. A brown-haired guy had accidentally touched a girl at the wrong place and was now wobbling trough the room, obviously intoxicated by alcohol. He ended up stumbling into a black-haired girl´s arms. She was looking like a million bucks in a tight, blue dress and sparkly, red heels and smiled widely as she caught the male.

"Hiiiiiiii Joooooooohn!" She dragged him up on his feet. That´s when Karkat saw who it was. He waited for him to step back and shake her off. But what followed made him wish he´d passed out earlier and avoided seeing it.

She wrapped her arms around his head and mashed their mouths together. John didn´t try to get rid of her now either and what continued was a sloppy, shameless makeout in font of everyone´s eyes.

* * *

Karkat had left about half an hour ago, but John was still sitting at his desk. His schoolwork was long forgotten and he was chatting with Jade in hope of getting some advice.

EB: So, uh yeah. That´s pretty much it. I don´t really know what to do or what to say to him.

GG: John! You have to clear things with Karkat!

EB: Yeah I know..

EB: I´ll sleep on it and tell him tomorrow

GG: Listen up! You go get your lazy, cowardly ass up your chair and go to that party and tell him the truth! This has been going on for far too long and he deserves to know the truth!

John lifted his arms over his head and stretched out. No matter how he hated it; Jade was right.

EB: Okay, I´ll go tell him now. Wish me luck.

GG: It will be fine John! Tell me how it went later, okay?

* * *

**Whoops. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello my lovely readers!**  
**I cannot thank you enough for reading, reviewing and marking my story as your favorite! I never thoght this story would become this popular and it makes me oh-so happy! The original plan was to make this about 11 chapters long, but I´m not even halfway trough everything that I want to write! So many plans, teehee~**

* * *

"KK?"

"KK are you fucking listening you dipshit?"

Everything was bending. If it was because of the sight of him or the alcohol in his body was unsure, but every noise was being blurred out. The boy he loved was making out with his biggest rival; Vriska Serket.

According to Sollux, they had only been kissing for a few seconds before John had broken it off in total panic. But for Karkat it had seemed like a painful eternity.

When Vriska finally released John he staggered backwards, staring at her with eyes big as saucers. The shock made him sober up for a moment.

"What the heck are you doing!?"

"Oh come on John, I´m way better than that looser!" She tried to pull him in for another kiss with a big smirk on her painted lips, but John pushed her away in a disgusted manner.

"No. No,no,no! I came here to meet _him_, nothing else!" and with one final push he got rid of the disappointed girl, almost making her fall over. His eyes darted across the room and saw the said male rushing upstairs. He took up the chase after him, but his way got blocked by an angry, heterochromic eyed male. He was almost a head taller than him and towered over him with an intimidating look.

"What the actual fuck are you doing? First you mess with his feelings back and forth and now this?!" he snarled at him. John cursed and tried to stutter out a proper answer.

"I-i-I didn´t mean to! You saw that, she forced me to it!" he tilted his body to the left, trying to see where Karkat had disappeared behind Sollux.

"Please, I need to talk to him!"

"You better fix this or I swear to god I´ll skin you alive! Understood?"

John nodded in agreement, still frightened by the confrontation and Sollux let him pass, eyes still piercing him as he hurried up the stairs.

Even though John had sobered up a little, his legs still didn't want to work completely. He wobbled across the room and up the stairs where he´d last seen Karkat, cursing under his breath.

"Karkat, wait!"

The second level of the house was much emptier than the lower. The music was more isolated and there was only a few people standing and chatting in the hallway. John quickly discovered Karkat in the far right and jogged over. He was leaning against the wall, head facing upwards and eyes closed. John hesitated, he was feeling nauseous and his mind was getting foggy again.

"Karkat?"

The black-haired male took a deep, shaky breath before replying.

"Have you finally realized that I´m no fucking good for you?"

"What are you talking about, I-"

"It´s okay. I´m okay with it. Maybe I´ve been pushing you too far into something you didn´t even fucking want in the first place." He took another breath and took a step forward so that he was facing John.

"I´m fucking sorry for doing this to you, now please let me the fuck alone! I don´t want you! I don´t want you I my life because all you do is to fuck up my feelings all the fucking time!" voice shaking of anger and sorrow. His words cut like knives trough John and he began to panic; nothing had worked out as planned. His stomach turned again in protest and he immediately regretted those drinks from earlier. Someone had handed him one when he arrived and he gladly accepted it, believing it would calm his nerves a little bit.

"No,no,no please don´t say so! I never wanted to do this to you!"

"Then fuck off before you make things worse!" and with that Karkat walked past John. He didn´t want this anymore. He´d rather rot alone than being a tangled mess of emotions all the time. Sure, things had been great during their first two or three dates, but after that it just felt like a downhill to both of them. Maybe they weren´t supposed to be anything more than friends. The thought was hard to accept and a lump formed in his throat. As he stomped trough the room he could feel tears starting to run down his hot cheeks. It hurt. Everything hurt.

Suddenly he was stopped; a hand grabbed his lower arm and he was pulled in close.

"Karkat I don´t know what to do!" his ocean eyes were too flooded by tears.

" I´ve never felt like this before! It´s weird as hell and having you close drives me _nuts_ and all I wanna do is,is-!" he stuttered before lunging towards Karkat. He grabbed one side of his face with each hand and kissed him hard. He broke off the kiss and repeated;

"_I don´t know what to do."_

Karkat just stared at him for the first seconds. Did this just happen? He had to blink a couple of time before he could say anything.

"What?"

"I get so damn nervous around you-"

"John.."

"-and I´m scared that, that-"

"John…."

"that I´ll smother you if I´ll just let go!"

"John shut the fuck up and kiss me again."

It was John´s turn to stare back in confusion. Karkat hurried to slid his hands behind his neck and crushed their lips together again. First too startled to respond, John started kissing back hungrily. Their tongues mashed together in a furious mix of frustration from held back feelings and desperation.

"Hey drama queens! Get a room!" someone called out from across the room.

They broke off the kiss, both panting softly with flushed cheeks. Karkat looked at the source of the voice that had interrupted them. Sollux took a few steps closer, chuckling at the two males.

"So _that´s_ what you´ve been holding back Egbert?"

John blushed heavily and looked down at Karkat´s chest.

"But seriously. Go get a room and fuck each other senseless because that´s clearly what you guys need!" he continued while grinning widely.

"Shut the fuck up, shitlicker!" Karkat yelled, face just as red as John´s now. Sollux just laughed and gave him the finger while walking downstairs again, leaving them to themselves again. Karkat looked back at John who was still looking down at his shirt, hands placed on Karkat´s chest.

"Wanna get out of here?" he asked, grabbing one of his hands. John hummed and nodded in reply. They scurried down the stairs and managed to get outdoors. It was past midnight and the night sky was like a dark draping dotted with sparkling lights above their heads.

"Wow, they´re beautiful!" John gasped, hand still clenching Karkat´s. His eyes sparkled like the stars they were gazing at.

After a rollercoaster of up and downs things finally seemed to settle down. What Karkat said before was a lie; this was what he wanted. He wanted to be with John and share simple, but joyful moments like this over and over again. He wanted to just forget about everything get lost in those sparkly eyes forever.

"Hey, I have an idea. C´mon!" Karkat smirked while he tugged John along. They walked up the street in the opposite direction they had come from earlier that night.

"Where are we going?"

"You´ll see"

"But I wanna knoooooooow!"

"Stop whining like a fucking infant. I won´t spoil the surprise!"

They got further and further away from the Makara´s house. Houses become more scattered and the streets were hauntingly empty except for some stray cats running under the yellow streetlamps. Karkat took a turn to the right and stopped in front of a tall, concrete monument. It was protected by high seamless, metallic fences all around.

"A water tower?" John looked confused at the sign, not sure if this was their final destiny.

"Yeah. I used to come here a lot as a kid when I needed to get away from everything." Karkat hooked his fingers high up in the fence and began dragging himself up on it.

"What are you doing?!"

"What does it fucking look like? Come on, it´s not as hard as it looks." John looked hesitatingly at the obstacle, trying to figure out how to get over. Karkat was already at the top and reached out a hand.

"Just like a climbing wall in pre-school."

The expression on John´s face told that he still wasn´t fully convinced. He´d been always been a good kid and the thought getting in trouble was quite scary to him.

"If you come over you´ll get a kiss" Karkat teased with a smirk. His slightly pointed teeth glistered in the moonlight.

"_Fine_" John replied, trying to sound unhappy about the deal. After slipping once or twice with his feet, he was soon on the other side. He jumped down the last bit and was caught by the other male. Karkat quickly pressed a kiss on his lips before heading towards the tower.

"No, nooo. There´s no way we´re gonna-"

"Yes we are Egderp. Don´t be such a fucking chicken!" he made cackling sounds while waving his arms like bird-wings. John was not amused at all and Karkat let down his arms with and unnecessary deep sigh.

"If you´ll be disappointed we´ll only watch your movies for the next three movie nights!"

"Five!"

"Three."

"Four!"

"Nope. Three."

John sighed at the defeat and followed Karkat up the metallic ladder. They went vertically all the way up along the grey wall. The first time Karkat climbed this stair he´d been terrified, but after a couple of visits the tingling feeling in his stomach was gone and it had become one of his favorite places in the world.

The ladder ended at a narrow platform that went all the way around the tower. Karkat sat down at the edge, his head nudging the sparse fence. He patted at the space next to him and John took a seat. The view from up there was truly amazing; the contrast between the warm, glowing lights from the streetlamps and the blackish-blue sky made the city look like a postcard.

After listening to John´s amazement over the view Karkat decided to try to pick up where they had left at the party.

"So, I heard something about sloppy make-outs?" he smiled with a certain cockiness in his voice. He´d expected John to give one of his shy and blushing reply´s, but this time the reply was rather surprising.

"You head right stud muffin, I wanna make out with your face!" he grinned back. He scooted closer and slid in a cold hand on the back of Karkat´s messy head.

"You´re so fucking drunk Egderp…"

He leaned in close, lips brushing close to the others

"..but I don´t mind."

They dipped in for another kiss, but this one was different. They didn´t just let their tongues wrestle for domination; it was deeper and somehow so much more passionate. Karkat began feeling a warm, tingling feeling in his stomach. In the middle of exploring each other´s mouths Karkat took a small pause to nibble at John´s lower lip. This made him let out a mix of a whimper from the sudden pain and a soft moan, adding to the heat building up in his belly. He continued down his neck; leaving a trail red lovemarks on his warm skin. The needy whimpers closeness was making his mind foggy.

He suddenly felt John´s hand travel up his thigh. The touch made a shiver go down all the way his spine, making things even harder to control. He reluctantly broke off the hot kiss and looked at John with eyes half lidded.

"John…I think we need to stop here…I.."

"Why?"

The look on his face made him shiver involuntary again; his eyes were heavy from lust and they were both panting softly. All this made it hard for Karkat to think clear. He wanted to continue - all the way.

"We´re both far away from sober and I don´t want you to regret anything. But shit John, you really shouldn´t have held back all this."

"I was scared I´d weird you out"

"I´m a walking freakshow, nothing you do can weird me out." John chuckled and leaned his forehead to the cold railing.

"But seriously, don´t hold this back, not a single drop of it. It´s fucking fantastic."

They climbed down the steep ladder and made their way home again, hand in hand.

"Karkat?"

"Yeah."

"Can I sleep with you tonight?"

"Fuck yes."


End file.
